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Explicit lyrics - you have been warned...



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Paul from the Chuckle Brothers was getting too close in the checkout queue yesterday, so I turned to him and said "Two metre, you!"









(Read it aloud if necessary!)

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1. Say “hasta la vista, baby” whilst closing every work-related tab on your computer

2. Try to find yourself on Google Earth

3. Tighten the screws on your saucepan handles

4. Organise your computer desktop so it’s all neat and tidy and you no longer know where anything is

5. Clean the kitchen

6. Rank every crisp flavour in order from best to worst

7. Come up with a new signature

8. Download TikTok

9. Spend fifteen seconds on TikTok

10. Decide that’s enough TikTok for one day

11. Clean the kitchen again

12. Rank every chocolate bar in order from best to worst

13. Use the nutritional information on your canned goods as a makeshift version of top trumps

14. Watch a marble race on Youtube

15. Get far too into marble racing

16. Decide you’re going to have your own marble race

17. Realise you don’t own any marbles

18. Put your marble-based dreams on the backburner for now

19. Watch a years worth of Netflix in an afternoon

20. Avoid eye contact with all the books you own but have never read

21. Rank every biscuit in order from best to rich tea

22. Resist the urge to cut your own hair

23. Figure out what your three wishes would be, in case you ever come into possession of a magic lamp, fish, or monkey paw

24. Learn your debit card number off by heart like a Jedi or something

25. Clean the kitchen for a third time

26. Play Scrabble

27. Pull out two Qs and no Us

28. Argue about whether “Qi” is a word

29. Put Scrabble away

30. Spend fifteen minutes looking at pictures of quokkas on the internet

31. Decide you’re going to have an early night

32. Spend two hours in bed on your phone

33. Go to sleep

34. Wake up

35. Decide you’re going to have a productive day

36. Spend two hours in bed on your phone

37. Have a sitdown shower because you’re an adult and you can do what you want

38. Use a 48-pack of Weetabix as a makeshift Jenga set

39. Spend fifteen minutes hoovering up crumbs of wheat

40. Research who would win in a race between a zebra and an ostrich

41. Check the news

42. Quickly close the news

43. Give the kitchen a once over

44. Brush up on either the history of the Roman Empire, or the history of tomato ketchup, depending on what sort of a mood you’re in

45. See what’s happening on Instagram stories

46. Is anyone NOT doing online yoga?

47. Research home workouts

48. Instantly feel exhausted

49. Call your parents

50. Call your best friends parents, see how they’re getting on

51. Facetime someone with a dog

52. You know what, that quick once over really wasn’t enough, give the kitchen a proper clean

53. Look around your kitchen and decide which of your friends would be what household appliances

54. Ponder who invented the coat hanger

55. Learn to spell onomateopia

56. Play Rock Paper Scissors over Skype, first to 500 wins

57. Search “two dogs dressed as one dog carrying a present”

58. Attempt to clean your oven

59. Realise you’re in way over your head here

60. Have a picnic in your lounge

61. Enjoy the pleasant lack of wasps

62. Try Scrabble again

63. Pull out two Qs again

64. Decide Scrabble can self-isolate itself at the back of the cupboard

65. Give your kitchen a deep clean

66. See what’s happening on Instagram Stories

67. Is anyone NOT making their own sourdough?

68. Research how to make sourdough

69. Decide that quarantine or no quarantine, you do not have the time or patience to make sourdough

70. Tidy up all the tangled cables behind your TV

71. Put on your shoes, just to remember how it feels

72. Go through your phone contacts and guess whether each person keeps their ketchup in the fridge or cupboard

73. Try to figure out how many seconds you’ve been alive for, without using a calculator

74. Choose which knife, fork and spoon are your favourite

75. Choose which are your least favourite

76. Make up mean names for them

77. Think about doing the ironing

78. Decide against doing the ironing

79. Crave ice cream

80. Check your freezer - no ice cream

81. Really crave ice cream

82. Check your freezer - still no ice cream

83. Debate whether going to the shops for ice cream counts as “essential travel”

84. Reluctantly accept that it definitely doesn’t

85. Check your freezer again - just in case

86. Research how to do that magic trick where you whip the tablecloth out from under everything

87. Attempt that magic trick

88. Spend fifteen minutes cleaning up broken glass

89. Make a drawing for a friend using MS Paint

90. Clean your kitchen, but this really is the last time now

91. Casually check your fridge every forty five minutes, on the off chance the contents has changed

92. Watch a Youtube tutorial on folding fitted sheets

93. Try to fold a fitted sheet

94. Fail

95. Decide that if you’ve made it this far without learning to fold fitted sheets, your fitted sheets can jolly well go unfolded

96. Read a needlessly long Facebook post because you’ve got nothing better to do

97. Start dusting your skirting boards

98. Remember this is a marathon not a sprint and you’re going to need to save some fun for next weekend

99. Realise you haven’t cleaned the kitchen in a while

100. Clean the kitchen

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