Elecrickery

[RLWP]

Ex Lucas Aerospace at York Road, Hall Green. Most midland based electrical engineers appear to be ex Lucas or GEC!

 

I'm Ex Lucas Aerospace, Shaftmoor Lane

 

Richard

[Alan de Enfield]

A Collection of Lucas Jokes

 

 

* The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

 

* Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness"

 

* Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

 

* The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The other three switch settings - Smoke, Smolder and Burn.

 

* The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

 

* "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou...

 

* If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

 

* Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo - It sank!

 

* It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they meet too much resistance.

 

* Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, as they all look the same ?" "He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

 

*Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

 

* Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

 

* QA called and told the Engineering they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.

 

* Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

 

* Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."

 

* Why do the English drink their beer WARM? Because their refrigerators are made by Lucas

 

And of course when we get to the nub of the question :

 

Lucas is an acronym for "Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices" as many thousand of owners of British made cars will tell you.

Edited June 13, 2012 by Alan de Enfield

[NB Lola]

A Collection of Lucas Jokes

 

 

* The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

 

* Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness"

 

* Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

 

* The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The other three switch settings - Smoke, Smolder and Burn.

 

* The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

 

* "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou...

 

* If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

 

* Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo - It sank!

 

* It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they meet too much resistance.

 

* Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, as they all look the same ?" "He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

 

*Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

 

* Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

 

* QA called and told the Engineering they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.

 

* Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

 

* Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."

 

* Why do the English drink their beer WARM? Because their refrigerators are made by Lucas

 

And of course when we get to the nub of the question :

 

Lucas is an acronym for "Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices" as many thousand of owners of British made cars will tell you.

 

Suggested correction (not a joke)

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Swan - invented the incandescent bulb and edison refined it and claimed it was all his idea

[ditchcrawler]

Suggested correction (not a joke)

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Swan - invented the incandescent bulb and edison refined it and claimed it was all his idea

Just shows you cant believe all you read about electrics on here even if the poster claims they know what they are talking about.

[smileypete]

Have to say, Chris Pink's advice from what I've seen, seems pretty reasonable.

 

John Orentas' electrical advice was a bit of a mixture, what I didn't like was the way people responded to it

 

cheers, Pete.

[Chris Pink]

The fact that Gibbo evidentally needed to get pissed before posting a rant more relevant to three years ago than now puts his comment into perspective.

 

Far more people die through domestic violence than my electrical advice ( though Americans swim past my boat at their own risk). So it could be said Gibbo's advice could more easily lead to death ( though in reality I would not like to make light of either subject).

 

I think Terry Pratchet's thoughts on forgotten small gods pertinent and amusingly apt.

[Chalky]

 

Lucas is an acronym for "Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices" as many thousand of owners of British made cars will tell you.

 

 

If you look at the Lucas logo the arrow on the green stripe points down and backwards!

 

Having said that many of the designs were extremely innovative and world firsts. First company to design an electronic engine management for a gas turbine (Whittle engine in meteor), patents & FAA flight certification for a majority voting system using 2 CPUs which ran a simulation of a 3rd and then performed majority voting on the result. Some very very clever stuff.

[Chris Pink]

I had a drum machine based on a Lucas computer long ago. Great it was.

 

It came out about the same time as the Apple II

[Grace and Favour]

I wonder which category i'm in,''the good,the bad,or the ugly'',must be one of the 'others'. My electric back scrubber must have ruined me chances for an electrical diploma.

 

But didn't your electric back scrubber turn out to be a 'Rabbit' - - one of the 'muscle relaxant'(?) products?

[luctor et emergo]

A Collection of Lucas Jokes

 

 

* The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

 

* Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness"

 

* Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

 

* The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The other three switch settings - Smoke, Smolder and Burn.

 

* The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

 

* "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou...

 

* If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

 

* Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo - It sank!

 

* It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they meet too much resistance.

 

* Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, as they all look the same ?" "He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

 

*Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

 

* Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

 

* QA called and told the Engineering they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.

 

* Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

 

* Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."

 

* Why do the English drink their beer WARM? Because their refrigerators are made by Lucas

 

And of course when we get to the nub of the question :

 

Lucas is an acronym for "Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices" as many thousand of owners of British made cars will tell you.

 

&£@();:// despite myself, I'll post the post in my answer....

 

That really made me laugh. Thank you.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Lady Muck
:;()£&@'no bl@@dy swearing

[GUMPY]

ELECTRICAL THEORY OF SMOKE...BY JOSEPH LUCAS

 

Positive ground depends upon proper circuit functioning, the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

 

When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (i.e., say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working. The function of the wire harness is to carry the smoke from one device to another; when the wire harness "springs a leak", and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards. Starter motors were frowned upon in British Automobiles for some time, largely because they consume large quantities of smoke, requiring very large wires.

 

It has been noted that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese electrics. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brakes leak fluid, British tires leak air and the British defense establishment leaks secrets...so, naturally, British electronics leak smoke.

 

Author Unknown

[grace]

Ex Lucas Aerospace at York Road, Hall Green. Most midland based electrical engineers appear to be ex Lucas or GEC!

 

Im at Shirley.....

 

ELECTRICAL THEORY OF SMOKE...BY JOSEPH LUCAS

 

Positive ground depends upon proper circuit functioning, the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

 

When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (i.e., say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working. The function of the wire harness is to carry the smoke from one device to another; when the wire harness "springs a leak", and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards. Starter motors were frowned upon in British Automobiles for some time, largely because they consume large quantities of smoke, requiring very large wires.

 

It has been noted that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese electrics. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brakes leak fluid, British tires leak air and the British defense establishment leaks secrets...so, naturally, British electronics leak smoke.

 

Author Unknown

 

Which is why at least once a month you will see our entire building standing outside ..... smoke has escaped and set the alarms off....

[Alan de Enfield]

Lucas Smoke :

 

Dont worry replacement smoke is now available :

 

http://www3.telus.net/bc_triumph_registry/smoke.htm

[Gibbo]

Have to say, Chris Pink's advice from what I've seen, seems pretty reasonable.

 

His assertion that hulls do not need to be earth bonded is dangerous in the extreme.

 

Why does the Recreational Craft Directive, along with all its referenced ISOs, the BMEA code of practice and the ABYC all state that the hull absolutely must be earth bonded, but he maintains otherwise. Are they really all wrong?

 

Have you emerged from a time Machine? John Orentas last posted 18 months ago, and not for a lot longer ago than that on anything electrical.

 

Indeed, but all his posts, with all his dangerous and incorrect advice, are still there for all to see.

[Guest]

Fuck it, despite myself, I'll post the post in my answer....

 

That really made me laugh. Thank you.

MODS!!!

 

Why can he say "f*ck" but I'm not allowed to?

Edited June 14, 2012 by Guest

[Guest]

MODS!!!

 

Why can he say (deleted) but I'm not allowed to?

 

Probably because the mods haven't seen it yet or it's not yet being reported to them.

[carlt]

Why can he say "f*ck" but I'm not allowed to?

Because you'll go to Hell if you say it.

 

He's going to Hell anyway so it doesn't matter.

[Pretty Funked Up]

ELECTRICAL THEORY OF SMOKE...BY JOSEPH LUCAS

 

Positive ground depends upon proper circuit functioning, the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

 

When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (i.e., say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working. The function of the wire harness is to carry the smoke from one device to another; when the wire harness "springs a leak", and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards. Starter motors were frowned upon in British Automobiles for some time, largely because they consume large quantities of smoke, requiring very large wires.

 

It has been noted that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese electrics. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brakes leak fluid, British tires leak air and the British defense establishment leaks secrets...so, naturally, British electronics leak smoke.

 

Author Unknown

 

Superb!

 

A Collection of Lucas Jokes

 

 

* The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

 

* Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness"

 

* Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

 

* Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

 

* The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The other three switch settings - Smoke, Smolder and Burn.

 

* The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

 

* "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou...

 

* If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

 

* Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo - It sank!

 

* It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they meet too much resistance.

 

* Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, as they all look the same ?" "He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

 

*Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

 

* Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

 

* QA called and told the Engineering they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.

 

* Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

 

* Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."

 

* Why do the English drink their beer WARM? Because their refrigerators are made by Lucas

 

And of course when we get to the nub of the question :

 

Lucas is an acronym for "Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices" as many thousand of owners of British made cars will tell you.

 

these 2 posts are brilliant KUTGW

[PaulJ]

I will just say f**k then, cos suns out,im on my boat and its got to be heaven :-D

[Guest]

Because you'll go to Hell if you say it.

 

He's going to Hell anyway so it doesn't matter.

Funnily enough I would sooner people say f*ck, and say it myself, rather than some of the poisonous comments that get made on here from time to time (I don't include you in that.)

[Chris Pink]

His assertion that hulls do not need to be earth bonded is dangerous in the extreme.

 

Why does the Recreational Craft Directive, along with all its referenced ISOs, the BMEA code of practice and the ABYC all state that the hull absolutely must be earth bonded, but he maintains otherwise. Are they really all wrong?

 

 

 

Indeed, but all his posts, with all his dangerous and incorrect advice, are still there for all to see.

 

Your lying by misrepresenting me is just that little bitty sad.

 

If you cannot come up with an example of when a hull should not be earth bonded (in accordance with all the standards) then you are either very blinkered or very stupid.

 

Or maybe your sniping at me is more to do with my expressed opinion that your so-called Smartgauge is an overpriced and badly designed piece of snake oil?

 

And to clear up something for those who believe your hype; It is my view that all installed 230V systems in a metal hulled boat should be earth bonded in accordance with international standards. Always has been.

 

Should be clear enough even for your bleary eyed bleating.

[Pretty Funked Up]

Everybody f@@ks up, its human nature.

bygones n all that jazz

 

 

I've been wondering...

 

How do YOU trEAT yours? (when theyre fully charged.)

 

When mine (batteries) are tip top I like to treat myself to a good film with the volume up, everyone i know has their own little 'fully charged' ritual...

 

Whats yours?

Edited June 14, 2012 by Lady Muck

[Smelly]

Welcome back Gibbo - your expertise has been missed!

 

Martin - you're just jealous because you've flounced off twice (that I know of) and no thread appeared either time lamenting you leaving or welcoming you back

 

I've no greenies left... damn!

[The Commodore]

Strange that all this dangerous info from Mr. Pink and gang has been posted for months but only now our savior has decided to save us

[mrsmelly]

I really don't know what to say.

 

There are some people on here who really do know what they are talking about on matters "boat" related or "canal" related, or "canal history" related etc etc etc.

 

There are a few less who know about boat electrics, but they are still here. There are some competent boat electricians here. Some very competent ones.

 

The problem is that there are more people on here who actually don't know about boat electrics than those who do. So those who actually do know what they're talking about get shouted down by a load of "know nothings", who will give you incorrect, and possibly highly dangerous, advice.

 

Very difficult position to be in.

 

On matters "canal history" or "boat operation" you cannot fault this forum, but when it comes to matters technical, you have a serious dilema!

 

There are one or two absolute buffoons on here who think they are experts, and experts they are far from being.

 

Sorry, but that's just the reality.

 

Be very careful who you listen to.

 

This post probably sounds highly insulting, and in fact, it probably is highly insulting to those who don't know what theyre talking about, but those who know exactly what I mean. will undersatand that this post is not aimed at them, but at their adversaries.

 

 

At last......

 

Tim