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Member Since 06 Jul 2011
Offline Last Active 02 Dec 2016 07:07 PM

Topics I've Started

Chilly bottom.

23 November 2016 - 11:03 AM

I am trying to be patient at the moment, working on jobs with a chilly bottom. I have an eagle eye out, waiting for the postman. I had two pairs of underpants, ''one on and one in the wash'', as is my habit with most things, always be prepared like. One pair disintegrated a week ago, my second pair did the same yesterday. I have ordered 6 pairs for £7, post paid from Ebay, they should have arrived today but they haven't. Working outside and having to sit upon cold things to do certain jobs without underpants on, I'm getting very worried about getting arseritis. Hurry up postman, maybe tomorrow now. sad.png


28 September 2016 - 12:12 PM

Minder. ITV4, Freeview 24, 3.55pm today.

From my portry book.

25 September 2016 - 07:39 PM

   Tiger Tim.

I had a little teddy bear his name was Tiger Tim

I put him in the bath to teach him how to swim

He drank up all the water and eat up all the soap

Last night he choked with a bubble in his throat.



New Olympic medals for swimmers etc

13 August 2016 - 09:28 PM

Oi tink that there should be a fourth, fifth and sixth medal as well as the usual three, a fourth and fifth sixth medal specially presented to the winners who muck about in water.

  Swimmers divers, water poloists and for the event where women competitors wave their legs about upside down in the pool, to be presented, with the winner getting a magnesium medal, second place an aluminium and for third place a zinc medal.

 For the sea water bods a zinc medal for the winner and aluminium second and magnesium for third place.

 They receive a mixture of medals in case they swap their favoured sport from fresh water to salt water or visa versa.

   The idea is to prevent the competitors getting pitted all over by galvanic reaction and spoiling their looks. closedeyes.gif

Knee preservation kit.

19 June 2016 - 11:03 PM

For those folk who suffer from wonky and painful knees during cold weather.

An easy and cheap way to preserve, coddle and keep yer knees nice and snug.

  Whilst boating along you will have noticed among all the other toot lots of plastic footballs merrily floating along, often easily identified by a moorhen or duck sitting on them getting a free ride, which are often in like new condition, as I'm fond of fishing em out for Christmas presents or to put on ebay   Two of these plastic orbs are what you need for the knee preservers.

     To adapt them for warming the knees two large holes opposite in each ball need to be cut, large enough to poke your feet through and to haul them up thighwards until each ball completely envelopes the knees. An extra small hole now needs to be made at the top of each ball which can be plugged with wine corks or stoppers.

   Once the balls are comfortably positioned around the knees they will need sealing, so around the holes where they touch the legs top and bottom, run round them with a good sticky mastic like Sikaflex.

  Now for the big test.  Put the kettle on and boil up enough water to fill up your balls and pour it in through each filler hole carefully replacing the cork afterwards or it might splash out and scald your legs.

   Oooooh!!! isn't that wonderful, swoon in the deep penetrating and soothing heat and feel your old knee cartridges become all glowing with warmth and suppleness, they'll feel like a ten year old's knees once again. They will allow all normal flexibility and movement. If you get funny looks from passers by just paint on them what they are, ''Knee preservation warmers'' and they'll all want them.

  You can now hang about on the back of your boat in the freeziest of weather. Also excellent for many kneeling activities in cold weather, like gardening, mending low down things, getting on a level with your pets, praying, especially in cold churches, many uses.

     They can also be made to warm elbows too and to sooth complaints like biffed funny bones and brewers elbow.

         For those folk with odd long shaped knees I suggest using rugby balls instead.

     There you have it folks,''The winter knee preservers''.closedeyes.gif