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Member Since 06 Jul 2011
Offline Last Active Today, 12:29 AM

Topics I've Started


28 September 2016 - 12:12 PM

Minder. ITV4, Freeview 24, 3.55pm today.

From my portry book.

25 September 2016 - 07:39 PM

   Tiger Tim.

I had a little teddy bear his name was Tiger Tim

I put him in the bath to teach him how to swim

He drank up all the water and eat up all the soap

Last night he choked with a bubble in his throat.



New Olympic medals for swimmers etc

13 August 2016 - 09:28 PM

Oi tink that there should be a fourth, fifth and sixth medal as well as the usual three, a fourth and fifth sixth medal specially presented to the winners who muck about in water.

  Swimmers divers, water poloists and for the event where women competitors wave their legs about upside down in the pool, to be presented, with the winner getting a magnesium medal, second place an aluminium and for third place a zinc medal.

 For the sea water bods a zinc medal for the winner and aluminium second and magnesium for third place.

 They receive a mixture of medals in case they swap their favoured sport from fresh water to salt water or visa versa.

   The idea is to prevent the competitors getting pitted all over by galvanic reaction and spoiling their looks. closedeyes.gif

Knee preservation kit.

19 June 2016 - 11:03 PM

For those folk who suffer from wonky and painful knees during cold weather.

An easy and cheap way to preserve, coddle and keep yer knees nice and snug.

  Whilst boating along you will have noticed among all the other toot lots of plastic footballs merrily floating along, often easily identified by a moorhen or duck sitting on them getting a free ride, which are often in like new condition, as I'm fond of fishing em out for Christmas presents or to put on ebay   Two of these plastic orbs are what you need for the knee preservers.

     To adapt them for warming the knees two large holes opposite in each ball need to be cut, large enough to poke your feet through and to haul them up thighwards until each ball completely envelopes the knees. An extra small hole now needs to be made at the top of each ball which can be plugged with wine corks or stoppers.

   Once the balls are comfortably positioned around the knees they will need sealing, so around the holes where they touch the legs top and bottom, run round them with a good sticky mastic like Sikaflex.

  Now for the big test.  Put the kettle on and boil up enough water to fill up your balls and pour it in through each filler hole carefully replacing the cork afterwards or it might splash out and scald your legs.

   Oooooh!!! isn't that wonderful, swoon in the deep penetrating and soothing heat and feel your old knee cartridges become all glowing with warmth and suppleness, they'll feel like a ten year old's knees once again. They will allow all normal flexibility and movement. If you get funny looks from passers by just paint on them what they are, ''Knee preservation warmers'' and they'll all want them.

  You can now hang about on the back of your boat in the freeziest of weather. Also excellent for many kneeling activities in cold weather, like gardening, mending low down things, getting on a level with your pets, praying, especially in cold churches, many uses.

     They can also be made to warm elbows too and to sooth complaints like biffed funny bones and brewers elbow.

         For those folk with odd long shaped knees I suggest using rugby balls instead.

     There you have it folks,''The winter knee preservers''.closedeyes.gif

A good cure for tunnel anxiety.

15 June 2016 - 09:01 PM

Regarding the other thread about the tunnel anxiety problem, to include a good wheeze to help or cure this, quite common fear of tunnels.

    A little bit of practice is needed for this cure before entering tunnels. Here's how;-  The device is called (TACT) tunnel anxiety cure tube.

  A large cardboard tube, about 2ft long by 8inches diameter is required,1 ratchet strap, glue and some coloured paints.

    The tube can be folded up from a sheet of stiff cardboard or an old oil can with the top and bottom knocked out can be utilized, or a rolled up piece of lino will do.

 1. Glue together to form the tube. At one end attach the ratchet strap firmly.

  2. Fitting= Grasp hold of the tube and hold it up firmly against your face and peer down the tube. The tube should envelope your eyes and and hooter. Trim up the tubes end with a knife to fit your facial contours comfortably and accurately so that no light can get in.

3. Camouflage the outside of the tube with the coloured paints. This is quite important if your a bit touchy about being embarrassed in public, because for the tube to be a successful cure it HAS to be worn ALL THE TIME, day and night without removal, even in bed, for 2 months, 3 days, 1 hour and one 1/2 second precisely, before you set forth on a real tunnel adventure.

4. For realism the view down the tube can be made very much like the internals of a real tunnel by, once again with the use of your paints and to paint brick courses, dirt, grime, slime and exhaust soot, this is easily performed with a slim bent paint brush and mirror. To make it even more realistic a little hold can be bored on the tubes top wherein a little funnel can be place for you you to pour a little water in now and then to represent real tunnel roof leaks.

5. Illumination= To represent your tunnel light a little battery powered LED light can be clipped onto your hooter with a peg or small Mole-grip inside the tube, positioned to shine through the tube. To emulate a boat coming towards you another LED light can be clipped to the tubes opposite portal.

6. To emulate a proper boat coming the other way a small model boat complete with tunnel light can be constructed and stuck down inside the tube.

6. Sound= To complete this simulation the sound of your engine should be recorded and played via headphones.


   To benefit fully of the wonderful success of this device  and to cure tunnel fright it is very important for me to stress again (as above) that the TACT must be worn at all times for the duration mentioned above. Tootloo for now. mellow.png


A deluxe model could be made everso long and telescopic which could be gradually telescoped towards you to give the impression of being on a moving boat, which would give you great comfort as you see the end of the tunnel approaching and safety.