How to make a wig.

[bizzard]

This is for those poor folk who have lost their locks and are fed up with having to wear hats all the time, even wearing bobble hats in bed, because of a lack of or no hair on top at all and are worried about chills, headaches, fevers and suchlike. The winter months are of course the really big problem. This is awful, my cats restless and keeps wanting to go out, come in, go out, want food and I can't concentrate properly on this very serious subject.

Right, so, off we go again. erm, where was I. Ah yes. To make this ere wig is very simple. A full wig, toupee or topknot or a full head of permanent locks are all within the scope of this topic.

First of all you need ''the hairs''. A friendly barber or hairdresser is the simplest bet, especially if your fussy about the colour and texture. You can ask the barber or hairdresser to save and bag up all the clipped off hair for you when they sweep up so you can rummage through it at leisure to find your ideal hair. But the best method although a bit more work for you is to hang about and lurk outside the barbers shop with a dustpan and brush handy and study all the punters who go in in the hope of spotting someone with the ideal mop of hair on their head, whether it be black, brown, ginger, mousy, grey, blond ect. Or if you want frizzy curly hair wait for an Afro Carribean to go in, but beware the texture of this can be like wire wool. Once you've singled out someone with the locks of your fancy wait patiently until they come out and dash in with your dustpan and brush and sweep it up. If the person didn't have much cut off or not much to cut off then you might have to wait until another punter goes in with the same colour and texture hair, this could mean a long long wait, but it will be worth it. If the exact colour is not forthcoming just dye it to your liking when you get home.

Once home with your valuable bag of fuz you can press on with the wig making.

If you want a permanent head of luxurious locks and have a smooth and shiny pate then this will have to be roughed up with sand paper or an angle grinder and course sheet metal disc, or just a good scrub all over with a metal pan scourer so that the glue sticks properly and your wonderful new locks won't blow away in the wind. So, then plaster the glue all over your nut ''like icing a cake'' and sprinkle willynillily all the hard won hair clippings all over, just like sprinkling hundreds and thousands onto a newly baked cake. If you want a permanent parting just run the angle grinder with a stone in it across your nut before the glue sets.

Making a removable wig will be discussed shortly after I've had afternoon tea. So keep your bloomin hair on, if you've got any, until then.

 

[Kwacker]

I've been saving "plug-hole" hair for this very purpose, but sadly, it is a bit "short, black and curly"

[Ray T]

Can we see one modelled by Cleopatra?

Edited January 19, 2015 by Ray T

[Kwacker]

Not from here you can't.

[bizzard]

This is for those poor folk who have lost their locks and are fed up with having to wear hats all the time, even wearing bobble hats in bed, because of a lack of or no hair on top at all and are worried about chills, headaches, fevers and suchlike. The winter months are of course the really big problem. This is awful, my cats restless and keeps wanting to go out, come in, go out, want food and I can't concentrate properly on this very serious subject.

Right, so, off we go again. erm, where was I. Ah yes. To make this ere wig is very simple. A full wig, toupee or topknot or a full head of permanent locks are all within the scope of this topic.

First of all you need ''the hairs''. A friendly barber or hairdresser is the simplest bet, especially if your fussy about the colour and texture. You can ask the barber or hairdresser to save and bag up all the clipped off hair for you when they sweep up so you can rummage through it at leisure to find your ideal hair. But the best method although a bit more work for you is to hang about and lurk outside the barbers shop with a dustpan and brush handy and study all the punters who go in in the hope of spotting someone with the ideal mop of hair on their head, whether it be black, brown, ginger, mousy, grey, blond ect. Or if you want frizzy curly hair wait for an Afro Carribean to go in, but beware the texture of this can be like wire wool. Once you've singled out someone with the locks of your fancy wait patiently until they come out and dash in with your dustpan and brush and sweep it up. If the person didn't have much cut off or not much to cut off then you might have to wait until another punter goes in with the same colour and texture hair, this could mean a long long wait, but it will be worth it. If the exact colour is not forthcoming just dye it to your liking when you get home.

Once home with your valuable bag of fuz you can press on with the wig making.

If you want a permanent head of luxurious locks and have a smooth and shiny pate then this will have to be roughed up with sand paper or an angle grinder and course sheet metal disc, or just a good scrub all over with a metal pan scourer so that the glue sticks properly and your wonderful new locks won't blow away in the wind. So, then plaster the glue all over your nut ''like icing a cake'' and sprinkle willynillily all the hard won hair clippings all over, just like sprinkling hundreds and thousands onto a newly baked cake. If you want a permanent parting just run the angle grinder with a stone in it across your nut before the glue sets.

Making a removable wig will be discussed shortly after I've had afternoon tea. So keep your bloomin hair on, if you've got any, until then.

 

That's better. Mokador coffee with a dash of rum in it.

To make a nice, proper and professional looking full wig you need to knock up a flexible cast of your bonse. To do do this smear some gear oil all over it, this is to enable the cast to be released from your nut when cured.. The cast is created, again in a similar fashion as icing a cake. A tube of cheap silicon is ideal. Smear it all over neatly with a trowel and let it cure. Once cured it can be removed to admire. Plonk it back on and brush glue all over it, and again sprinkle all the clippings of your choice over it, taking care to arrange them properly and to create a parting before the glue sets. Once set you should be the proud owner of a most beautiful, magnificent and luxurious wig, a wig to show off and wear confidently with massive pride.

Small toupees and top knots are made in a similar fashion, but great care must be taken to get an exact match or you'll look a right sight.. Hallo-pecia sufferer's and .folk with lots of see through gaps in their hair can fill em in by sticking in carefully selected bits, but carefulness in matching colours won't matter if your a Punk rocker or a person who wants their head to resemble a patchwork quilt. So whichever of my instructions has been followed and been a success, admire yourself in the mirror before going out on the town to show orf your new super locks.

[patty-ann]

Dear Mr Bizzard,

Thank you once again for a most informative article. I have always had a yen to be blonde and you have given me a way to achieve my aim so without any delay I will commence lurking with intent outside hairdressers of renown.

Patty Ann

[Athy]

Wizard wheeze, Bizzard.

 

A suggested refinement: to avoid skulking suspiciously outside barbers' shops, just grow your beard until it reaches ZZ Top length. Then shave it off, and you'll have a plentiful supply of hair which is bound to match your own because it IS your own. Then proceed as per Biz's recipe. Start growing it now and it should be ready for use by next winter.

 

I was going to add that this method is suitable only for men, but never say never.

[Kwacker]

For a crew cut effect, you could use your own nose hair.

[Neil2]

One of the curious things about getting old is hair you once displayed with pride starts to disappear but is curiously replaced by bristles emerging from hitherto hairless regions. I forgot when I started having to trim my nose hair but I never had to do it in the days when folk used to ask me if I was George Harrison's younger brother.

 

But lately I have struggled to keep on top of the stuff that grows from my ear lobes so taking up Bizzard's wheeze perhaps I could just let it flourish and eventually I will have a luxuriant growth that I can comb over my head Arthur Scargill style. I reckon the Bobby Charlton look is coming back into fashion.

[Kwacker]

Just drop a triangle of sticky-backed plastic on a barber shop floor and Hey Presto, instant murkin!

[nbfiresprite]

If time is a factor then visit your hardware store and get yourself a mop hairpiece, free candle holder included.

 

[bizzard]

I've been saving "plug-hole" hair for this very purpose, but sadly, it is a bit "short, black and curly"

Excellent method.

Can we see one modelled by Cleopatra?

My avatar sports some of one.

[bizzard]

Dear Mr Bizzard,

Thank you once again for a most informative article. I have always had a yen to be blonde and you have given me a way to achieve my aim so without any delay I will commence lurking with intent outside hairdressers of renown.

Patty Ann

My pleasure patty-ann. I'm sure that with a little patience you'll gather the blond hairs to make the wig of your yen. Only don't lurk too much, especially at night, you might get had up.

[bizzard]

Wizard wheeze, Bizzard.

 

A suggested refinement: to avoid skulking suspiciously outside barbers' shops, just grow your beard until it reaches ZZ Top length. Then shave it off, and you'll have a plentiful supply of hair which is bound to match your own because it IS your own. Then proceed as per Biz's recipe. Start growing it now and it should be ready for use by next winter.

 

I was going to add that this method is suitable only for men, but never say never.

Thanks Athy. Yes, that is possible, but it might not work for erm most women or indeed a lot of blokes who can't grow a proper beard, only bum fluff. Might work if you wanted wispy thin bits for the wasted look.

I did toy with the idea of real live natural turf, but not many folk I think, except for perhaps punks would want green hair, perhaps you would though. Quite a bit of maintenance would of course be needed, like regularly watering it or standing outside whenever it rains to keep it all fresh and luxuriant lookin. I have also considered making wigs out of the synthetic grass turf like what green grocers use to build pyramids of apples and oranges on.

If time is a factor then visit your hardware store and get yourself a mop hairpiece, free candle holder included.

 

Superb. The original Mrs Mop.

[DeanS]

I am thinking about cutting off some of my doggies soft white/black curls. Human hair is so boring in comparison, to a Spaniel, or a Poodlething.

[patty-ann]

The problem with dog hair...and I have eyed up Molly as potential wig supplier from time to time is that its fairly aromatic and smelling like a dog is not quite the perfume of choice.

[Peter X]

Thanks Athy. Yes, that is possible, but it might not work for erm most women or indeed a lot of blokes who can't grow a proper beard, only bum fluff. Might work if you wanted wispy thin bits for the wasted look.

I did toy with the idea of real live natural turf, but not many folk I think, except for perhaps punks would want green hair, perhaps you would though. Quite a bit of maintenance would of course be needed, like regularly watering it or standing outside whenever it rains to keep it all fresh and luxuriant lookin. I have also considered making wigs out of the synthetic grass turf like what green grocers use to build pyramids of apples and oranges on.

Superb. The original Mrs Mop.

 

I think Taribo West, the Nigerian ex-footballer, is way ahead of you there. Not sure whether he used natural turf, artificial or his own hair, but he was certainly a big fan of bright green hair.

[bizzard]

 

I think Taribo West, the Nigerian ex-footballer, is way ahead of you there. Not sure whether he used natural turf, artificial or his own hair, but he was certainly a big fan of bright green hair.

Did he not play for Wigan Wanderers.

[Laurie Booth]

And on the subject of wigs.

 

Me on the left and Roy Ashton makeup man and wig maker to Sean Connery.

 

His hardest one he made was for Sean Connery under water.

 

Photo taken at Pinewood Studios.

 

[bizzard]

And on the subject of wigs.

 

Me on the left and Roy Ashton makeup man and wig maker to Sean Connery.

 

His hardest one he made was for Sean Connery under water.

 

Photo taken at Pinewood Studios.

 

Toupee or not toupee. That is the question.

[carlt]

[Graham Davis]

All much too complicated!!
Just buy one of these:

[PaulG]

Excellent advice on wigmaking, Bizzy!

 

I have similar technique for a wooly hat, which involves some glue and a sheep.

[Kwacker]

Who's idea was it to use feathers?

Ps. Now the Sun have stopped doing it I thought I'd show you a real naked bird.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Kwacker

[Ray T]

Jasper Carrot did a Wiggy character:

 

 

Edited January 20, 2015 by Ray T