How to make a gun.

[bizzard]

First of all you must collect all the bits to construct your gun. The best places to look is in the high street and gutters, outside pubs and dust bins, that's if you want to make your gun on the cheap, although there is one item which I suggest you buy new and that is a jolly old '' lolly pop'', any lolly pop of your favourite flavour will do as long as it has the standard flat stick. I suggest a Magnum lolly which in our case I think would be most appropriate.

Secondly a match box and lots of dead matches to be found in said gutters and outside in pub smoking areas. Elastic bands come next. This are found littered about all over the streets, discarded by lazy litterbug postmen or I should say postpersons. You will need a good supply of of these in different sizes as they deteriorate quickly in sunlight, post and cheap elastic bands have a special deteriorant added to keep us buying more of em, so its best to keep em in the dark until needed.

Constructing your gun;--- Enjoy and suck your lovely lolly away until your just left with its stick. Take up your match box and slide out its drawer. Place a thinnish elastic band around the drawer and slide the drawer back into the sleeve part and pull one end of the elastic band out at one end near the top edge. This band will be the projectile slinger. Now take up your lolly stick ''the trigger'' and place the matchboxes end roughly midway on the flat side of the lolly stick and secure around box and stick with a strongish elastic band. Your gun is now complete and nearly ready for combat. Check its action by holding the gun, lolly stick in your palm, finger curled around the front of the box and squeeze the lower part of the lolly stick when a gap will appear between stick and box, this is the breech of your gun. Now forage around again in gutters ect for your ammunition, lots of spent matches, you can never have enough. When collected break them all in half.

Firing your gun;---- Take your weapon in one hand and a half matchstick in tother and fit it into the elastic band loop at the front of the box,''the slinger and draw it back over the top to trap it between end of box and lolly stick, a little bit of band selection is needed here to get the right tension so the bullet stays trapped and won't fire off prematurely.

Once loaded you can now shoot it at something or other by aiming and squeezing the lower part of the lolly stick with your palm and all of a sudden, PIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNG away goes you match bullet at great velocity.

Now before everyone starts moaning and saying what on earth has THIS nonsense got to do with boats. Well they'd be quite right it hasn't unless you've found a Ship matchbox to make the gun and it won't sink like a real metal one. Making things also keeps folk living on boats active and helps prevent boredom and the possible onset of insanity during the winter months.

[patty-ann]

Dear Mr Bizzard,

Thank you once again for your very interesting instruction on how to acquire an arsenal with which to defend and repel boarders without needing fire arms licence.

I shall duly commence preparation by consuming several magnum lollies...my d-i-y skills woefully inept so no doubt more than one attempt will be required especially if I decide to create several.

As to your concern regarding relevance to boating, I quite agree that projects to while away boredom are necessary to a boaters well being particularly in the cold dark winters evenings.

I did take up knitting ....4 years ago but its still a jumper in progress and I much prefer tinkering with more interesting constructions so will file this idea in "Virtual garden shed" whilst I collect components, actually i could probably leave knitting there as well maybe wool will come in useful for some other invention.

Regards Patty Ann

[Paul's Nulife4-2]

Mine Didn't work

I thought I would make a bigger caliber one of of 3x2 Bungi cord,and an old Filing cabinet draw !, one of the hooks come off the Bungi andend slslapped me in the head !.

[Phil Ambrose]

Ouch! That had to smart.

Phil

[Peter-Bullfinch]

I just stopped at the eating the Magnum part...well done Bizzard....thanks for the reminder there was just one left in our freezer.

[John V]

They didn't have any magnums at my local supermarket, do you think that "own brand" choc lollies will work? Will they produce a substandard weapon, with a risk of misfire? or will it be too powerful and I will have the USA invade because I have a weapon of match destruction.

[Mac of Cygnet]

Expect a knock on your door from the Special Branch soon, Bizz. They monitor instructions like these.

[bizzard]

Dear Mr Bizzard,

Thank you once again for your very interesting instruction on how to acquire an arsenal with which to defend and repel boarders without needing fire arms licence.

I shall duly commence preparation by consuming several magnum lollies...my d-i-y skills woefully inept so no doubt more than one attempt will be required especially if I decide to create several.

As to your concern regarding relevance to boating, I quite agree that projects to while away boredom are necessary to a boaters well being particularly in the cold dark winters evenings.

I did take up knitting ....4 years ago but its still a jumper in progress and I much prefer tinkering with more interesting constructions so will file this idea in "Virtual garden shed" whilst I collect components, actually i could probably leave knitting there as well maybe wool will come in useful for some other invention.

Regards Patty Ann

Ok Patty Ann if you think your skills are not quite up to making the matchstick gun there is a more simple little novelty that can be made from just the matchboxes drawer called ''The dining table salt seller transporter''. Poke a little hole in the centre of both ends of the drawer and into one of these little holes poke the end of a length of thin string and tie a knot on the inside to stop it pulling out. Place the matchbox drawer upon your table and pass the string around and under the table bringing the other end of it up the other side to attach it to the other end of the drawer, easy without much slack. By manipulating the string back and forth under the table with your fingers whilst sitting, watch with tremendous and joyous delight as your salt seller transporter trundles back and forth across the table as if by magic. Hold a dinner party and impress all your friends with it. Even bigger transporters can be made from say a biscuit tin which would hold and transport a complete cruette set, condiments, bottle of sauce, milk bottle, After 8 mints or even a teapot back and forth across the table by shuffling the string back and forth underneath. Magic.

[bizzard]

Mine Didn't work

I thought I would make a bigger caliber one of of 3x2 Bungi cord,and an old Filing cabinet draw !, one of the hooks come off the Bungi andend slslapped me in the head !.

Sadam Hussain would have been proud to have have owned such a weapon. Possibly has a farer reaching range than his Scuds had.

[Sabcat]

I've made one and it works a treat. I'm taking it to the post office tomorrow so I can get a quiet engine to make Mrs Sabcat quiet.

[bizzard]

Ouch! That had to smart.

Phil

Like whacking your thumb with the projectile holding the crutch of an ordinary catapult.

I just stopped at the eating the Magnum part...well done Bizzard....thanks for the reminder there was just one left in our freezer.

One stick is all that's needed.

They didn't have any magnums at my local supermarket, do you think that "own brand" choc lollies will work? Will they produce a substandard weapon, with a risk of misfire? or will it be too powerful and I will have the USA invade because I have a weapon of match destruction.

I don't know the kind of stick of a choc lolly. The stronger the stick and thicker the elastic bands the more powerful it will be, well until the matchbox just crumples up. The old wooden matchboxes were much stronger and made more powerful guns.

[bizzard]

Expect a knock on your door from the Special Branch soon, Bizz. They monitor instructions like these.

Special branch!! Well here's something that might worry them even more then, its ''Live ammunition'' Swan Vestas red matches fired at sandpaper targets can burst into flames and be quite destructive and dramatic.

[furnessvale]

Now before everyone starts moaning and saying what on earth has THIS nonsense got to do with boats. Well they'd be quite right it hasn't unless you've found a Ship matchbox to make the gun and it won't sink like a real metal one. Making things also keeps folk living on boats active and helps prevent boredom and the possible onset of insanity during the winter months.

Except that for some of us it is obviously too late

 

George ex nb Alton retired

[bizzard]

Except that for some of us it is obviously too late

 

George ex nb Alton retired

They say that there's more out than there is in.

[Laurie Booth]

I have now put on 6 stones in weight eating the Magnums.

[Peter X]

Objection! As Bizzard's weapon is powered by elastic bands not gunpowder, it's a bow not a gun.

[Laurie Booth]

Objection! As Bizzard's weapon is powered by elastic bands not gunpowder, it's a bow not a gun.

Trade description's act comes to mind

[John V]

airguns aren't bows and they don't use gunpowder

[Peter X]

I must confess to serious ignorance here, I have no idea what powers an airgun!

What I do know is that one day about 20 years ago I came home from holiday to find two airgun pellet holes at the back of my terraced house, one through an upstairs window and one through the centre of the gutter above it, so the latter must have been fired from almost directly underneath. Bizarre behaviour, not least because whoever did it would have had to climb a few fences to reach that garden.