Warwickshire Ring, 2 boats, 19 sixth formers

[Webchem]

Last summer we took 19 6th formers on the Warwickshire ring. They were asked to keep a diary of events. Most started and didn't finish. The diary below is one such diary in the style of Big Brother.

 

Sorry about the in jokes, but it makes quite interesting reading and shows how differently this bunch of young people views the canals.

 

It should be read in a geordie accent. I have got mp3s of the writer (Stuart Hartley) reading his diary in his best Big Brother voice.

 

The Big Brother Boat

 

Day 1

 

Day 1 on the Big Brother boat, and Peter has got a small one! We got off to a slow start as the minibus came late. Big Brother was not happy. We started to pack the minibus when we realized that the back door did not work. So I fixed it and got a round of applause.

 

On the way to the canal, Big Brother suggested a stop and we stopped at MacDonald’s, Kim went to the toilet.

 

We got off to a slow start of only 4 miles per hour – which turned out to be a constant speed. When we found a quiet place to moor, we parked up. Me and Tom went to explore and found a driving range. We liberated tons of balls and played with them along the roof.

 

I slept considerably well.

 

Day 2

 

Day 2 on the Big Brother boat and Rhys is only having half a cup because he is driving.

 

We woke up and I found the shower to be quite refreshing, although the toilet smells quite a lot.

 

I had to go on the other boat and found that it is quite annoying, for reasons that I am not obliged to say.

 

We had our first lock which was very small but a steep learning curve. Later there were 11 locks in a row and me and Tom found that we could jump over the lock. Big Brother asked us to stop and said it was extreme narrowboat canalling.

 

There was also a vicious rumour that Tom had fallen in, but he assured us that he did not. I was not so sure. People have been quite surprised as I have done a lot of cleaning!

 

I have taken a lot of photos and made a video.

 

I slept considerably well.

 

Day 3

 

Day 3 on the Big Brother boat and Daniel has sustained an injury to the penis while ferreting around in the weed hatch. Surprisingly I woke up again at 6:45. I did not have a shower today as other people did. My ‘Start’ cereal has proved to be very popular, I may need more. I left a gate open as a joke today, it was not taken well. Big Brother has given us orders not to do it again.

 

There were lots of locks today. But we are looking forward to 33 locks tomorrow. The engine is threatening to overheat and blow up, luckily Daniel is here!

 

I’ve never been to Birmingham, but as expected, the brummies are very dull.

 

Tonight we reached central Birmingham – a place called Cambrian Basin – it is very dangerous. We had 31 locks in a row and finished at 10pm. One of the locks was broken and one flooded meaning another one drained, it cost us a lot of time. Big Brother sorted it out though. There were building sites and locks underneath buildings – amazing! When we moored up, Big Brother provided some refreshment – fantastic

 

Big Brother had to go into the weed hatch 5 times today – I did not fancy it as the water was black. At one point we pulled out a dress which was still intact off the propeller. I am looking for the murder weapon.

Miss Cole chipped her tooth today. She has gone to hospital. She seems to be okay, although a little shaken.

 

We came across some local Youths, they shouted at us – I think it was in English – and asked for a lift. We did not give them a lift. We saw the BT tower, Jaguar factory, HP factory and have moored a mile from Villa Park.

 

We have moored in a great place and are getting on considerably well. Chris was sick; I think he might have overdone it!

 

I got a barge pole stuck between the boat and a building, it almost snapped, fortunately it didn’t. Big Brother would not have been happy.

 

We are very tired and I am hoping to sleep considerably well. During the night, Peter fell out of bed, it was very funny, but we are all now awake.

 

Day 4

 

Day four on the Big Brother boat. It is 10am, and already Kim has been asked not to kill anyone. Tom is also a stone lighter after spending 5 minutes in the toilet. He started drinking at 9am. I think he might be stressed. Cold shower today too, things can only get better!

 

Went through Birmingham city centre today, I got to feel what it must be like to be a minority – great place!

 

As we were going along the canal, we picked up a spare tyre. What do people think a canal is?

 

Instead of running around the boat I dropped a cup through the window, and Peter got splashed as it landed in the washing up bowl (great shot). Daniel seems to think he was burnt, but I have been told a million times that he exaggerates. Big Brother has informed us to put safety first. Thank god for their supervision. Someone could have died if we had put another cup through the window.

 

Kate was driving the boat today for only 5 minutes when she crashed. First through some trees which distracted her and then into a bridge at a top speed of only 4 miles per hour. I have started a petition to stop her driving again!

 

Big Brother asked for a nice wide berth as we passed some boats today, I agreed and said she already had one.

 

Tom’s willy accidentally made an appearance today, Kate got a good look in!

 

We went through 2 locks and then moored. A football was kicked in the canal by a housemate who wishes to remain anonymous. It was retrieved, and we played a great game of football. Several housemates took some very brave shots in some very painful places – not nice.

 

Earlier on in the day, there was a drag race between the boats after one stopped to let someone on. The other boat had a reckless driver who thought he could overtake. He could not overtake.

 

Tom’s extreme fashion sense showed again today including when he wore some women’s tops – including a bra. Rhys followed his example and put one on too. What a pair of girls!

 

I slept considerably well.

 

Day 5

 

Day 5 on the big brother boat. Brampers admitted that he thought baked beans were the work of the devil. In fact all beans are the work of the devil!

 

Kate weighs 20 tons today, although she was 50 foot long and painted green. Double locks today. Different to the others, we are tied together. We stopped at a pub for lunch today – supersonic.

 

Two new housemates joined the boat today, although Big Brother has ordered them not to talk about the outside world. Their names are Rosie and Jim. It in now 6:08pm and Kate has struggled to move all day. Maybe she needs some encouragement. Housemate Michelle mentioned that the British Open is in America – what a blonde moment. Maybe she is trying to impress Rhys!

 

Word of the day is bugger.

 

When we moored up tonight, we found a park. We went on the roundabout and got very dizzy – cool. Daniel fell over and banged his head. Fortunately he was okay.

 

We had another game of football this evening. A few people shined, including PJ (future England captain), Chris (the monk – what a keeper), Becky Law (the new Roy Keane), and Rob Holt for whom gender has no meaning. Big brother scored a goal then retired – no stamina! We drew 7-7.

 

Rob has promised a haunted castle tomorrow – I hope he will not disappoint.

 

I slept considerably well.

 

Day 6

 

Day 6 on the Big Brother boat and Stuart and Tom managed to penetrate the castle walls in a protest at the massive cost of entrance. We were not amused.

 

12:15pm back on the boat. 15 minutes later we are pumping off 5 days worth of human waste. Toilets smell much better. What a job!

 

It is now 2:55pm. Michelle has been watching ants race for the past 2 hours – what a life that girl must have.

 

We got shouted at by a tramp for going too fast and damaging his boat. We were not going too fast or damaging his boat. Mrs Braunton says he always shouts at everyone that goes past.

Daniel is turning into a pikey. He had his left eyebrow shaved half off. Emma fell out of bed today, what a fool.

 

Rob has just been called a very rude word for not bringing his guitar. A disturbance may arise.

 

We went past a very wide boat full of older people. A man inside was waving his dentures at us. What a funny old man.

 

Tom bought some herbal cigarettes today, they were nasty. Today’s highlight was Emma shaving her legs. Sadly she forgot her knees, they are still hairy. Once again Andy fell asleep. He has spent most of the week in this state. Maybe he will wake up soon.

 

We moored next to a pub – great. Big brother used to live in Saudi Arabia – what a revelation. I will now call him Aladdin.

 

That evening was quite interesting as the 5 barmaids were all very fit. When one brought my dinner over, I thanked her and shook her hand – nice!

 

I slept considerably well.

 

Day 7

 

Day 7 on the Big Brother boat, and Kate has a rampant rabbit. We woke up early this morning, and tied the boats together to go through the double locks. We then went to go through a bridge. Mrs. Braunton was worried that we might not fit. Aladdin thought we might have a go anyway. We did not fit. Daniel had the worst crash yet – we all moved forwards about 2 feet. Michelle hurt her knee. Fortunately no-one was hurt. The boat ad the bridge were a little worse for wear thought.

 

We played the longest game of Uno in our lives – Kim won. After lunch, Aladdin set me a challenge to catch the other boat. Within 20 minutes we were 3 boats away. Although the throttle was at max and we reached the dizzy heights of 6 miles per hour – what a thrill. Lots of smoke came out of the exhaust. People inside complained when I slammed it into reverse and hit the bank to avoid an oncoming boat.

 

There were water voles surfing on my wake – impressive.

 

We went past some mmmasive swans today, they were mmmassive!

 

Tom talked in his sleep last night, he called for Tom Blight, wanted a cup of tea and then called for Rhys.

 

Kim also talks in her sleep saying that it was all green and speckly – what a cool frog.

 

Kate is amazing at playing cards, she takes her go whenever she sees fit, quite funny, what a towney!

 

I think people might be getting towards the end of their rags as if people sing they shout their heads off instead of asking them to stop.

 

It is the last day today – we are all a bit sad. We helped some ducklings find their mum – what a bunch of boy scouts.

 

It was my first day on a boat with James – he is a legend at steering! The boat is very clean today – I cleaned it from top to bottom. Spick and Span.

Rob and Aladdin amused themselves by singing Monty Python songs to the sheep.

 

We have come up to some different locks, they are side by side. We may have a race. Sadly Crane won, although Dipper did manage to turn off our engine and steal all our windlasses.

 

When we moored up we saw Father Christmas on the boat opposite us, he seemed to be on holiday, although I am not sure if the reindeer like being in kennels.

 

Big Brother gave us all an award today it was quite random, but we appreciate the gesture.

 

We had a few drinks in the evening – it was very pleasant. Although in Pizza Hut Rhys was asked if he wanted Chicken or Pork replied Sweetcorn. Can the boy not go a day without embarrassing himself?

 

I slept considerably well.

 

I will miss this diary, although it has been a pleasure to serve, entertain and observe.

 

Edited October 25, 2004 by Webchem

[dor]

Now that is worth a LOL !

[stuart]

LOL :-)

[Webchem]

Maybe I ought to put the UNedited version up with a health warning....

 

[Paul Evans]

But if it's rude you might get a warning !

[Jon]

Send it me and I'll proof read it

 

Jon

[Webchem]

Its very rude, we got a little bit blue during the week - my fault . A chap managed to get the boat sideways across the canal twice about 30 seconds apart in opposite directions - out slipped the expression that rhymes with clucking banker. Whoops.

 

After that there was no stopping the general blueness that teenagers love to use so I developed the attitude 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

 

Maybe a little silly, but it was good fun......

 

I'll ask the guy's permission first as I am not sure he will like the full version up, its quite rude about various people on the trip - people he shouldn't really have been rude about....

 

[Sam]

Also :

 

Why is Brum so dangerous?

 

lol! Just wondering??

 

My brother lives in the flats overlooking the Sherborne wharf stretch of canal so i get up to birmingham a lot!

 

Sam

[Jon]

Its very rude, we got a little bit blue during the week - my fault . A chap managed to get the boat sideways across the canal twice about 30 seconds apart in opposite directions - out slipped the expression that rhymes with clucking banker. Whoops.

 

After that there was no stopping the general blueness that teenagers love to use so I developed the attitude 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

 

Maybe a little silly, but it was good fun......

 

I'll ask the guy's permission first as I am not sure he will like the full version up, its quite rude about various people on the trip - people he shouldn't really have been rude about....

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

LOL, I wouldn't publish it then!

[Webchem]

Also :

 

Why is Brum so dangerous?

 

lol! Just wondering??

 

My brother lives in the flats overlooking the Sherborne wharf stretch of canal so i get up to birmingham a lot!

 

Sam

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I think it was the idea of coming from rural dorset to inner city Birmingham that he found a little creepy. Especially as we were forced to do Farmers Bridge in the near dark as some *%^%^&*$ builder had deliberately emptied a pound so he could get his building done - that took a great deal of work!

 

I think they found the mixture of fantastic renovation with urban decay (on the Birmingham and Fazeley just before Farmers Bridge quite scary.

 

We also had a few people coming out of Birmingham telling them some horror stories!

 

Once we got into Cambrian Basin though all was well. What is it like on a saturday night?

[Paul And Vikki]

That whole thing made me laugh so much, should ne put in some sort of guide.

 

LOL

 

Paul

[Webchem]

That whole thing made me laugh so much, should ne put in some sort of guide.

 

LOL

 

Paul

 

Thanks, I'll mention it to Stuart next time I see him....

 

I really should pluck up the courage to put the slightly slanderous unedited version up.

[Webchem]

I have just found this on YouTube. Stuart recorded his diary and we did a montage of the images (this was done in 2004).

 

For the purists amongst you - please take some of it with a pinch of salt...

 

If you listen carefully you can hear me laughing in the background, this affects Stuart's reading skills, and there are times when he has to stop...

 

Canals Part 1: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9bm8nbMMsk8

Canals Part 2: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=H3Ys7FF2dok

 

Be careful - the sound is a bit dodgey in places...

 

It brought back a few memories, there is a prize to see who can spot me!

[purplehaze]

Foregive me for being a bit of a kill joy But all I could see was an accident waiting to happen, Using the pole when the boat might hit the bank, no way, very dangerous, sitting on the roof, okish but I wouldn't recommend it or allow anyone to do it on my boat plus walking on the roof in a lock AHHH!!

 

All looks great fun but not the right way to teach people how to have a safe canal boat holiday.

 

Julie

Not a moany sort of person but a mum who can see danger round every corner, now a Nanna and even worse with the grandson!!

[Janet S]

I really should pluck up the courage to put the slightly slanderous unedited version up

 

Do it. You know you want to.....

 

Janet

[Liam]

It brought back a few memories, there is a prize to see who can spot me!

 

Are you the one which says that it's okay because the front end will bounce off the bank, and also the one modelling the dress?

[NB Willawaw]

Yes it has to be the one holding up the stained dress..

[DHutch]

...using the pole when the boat might hit the bank, no way, very dangerous...

If your refering to the video section next to the bridge it looks ok to me.

- Obvously like always you have to make very sure that you are not between the moving boat and stationary ground. Via the pole or otherwise.

- However no one did anything in that video that i wouldnt have done, or wouldnt do myself. Simularly i often walk on the roof on the boat, in lock or otherwise.

 

The comment about the pole being stuck between the boat and a building and nearly snapping did stick out tho.

- But at the end of the day theres only one real way to find things out, and thats though experience and make mistakes. You just have to not die in the process. And i presume no one did?

 

 

Daniel