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CART. Extracts from Advice to Boaters 2050

hughc

By hughc
in General Boating

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hughc Proficient

hughc

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Your boat should not exceed the following dimensions: Length 55', Beam 6' 8", Water draught 15". The air draught should not exceed 6' to avoid damage to overhanging vegetation.

Your boat must be electrically powered.

It must be governed so as not to exceed 2 m.p.h. There must be a pre-set on the throttle which limits the speed to 0.8 m.p.h. This is to be used when passing moored boats, locks, tunnels, aqueducts and members of the public whose enjoyment of the waterways is there by increased.

Your speed will be constantly checked by G.P.S.

Steerers must hold a Steering Qualification. This is available by attending the course run by our nominees the I.W.A. and must be renewed annually. This entitles you to 30 days navigation each year.

The boating season runs from April to September inclusive. You must not move at weekends or out of normal office hours.

Locks may only be passed if a member of our staff is present. they have attended a two day course and therefore know what they are doing. Whilst locking, apart from one designated lock worker and a steerer, all other crew members must sit in the cabin area wearing life jackets.Ask our staff member to stamp your progress card at the completion of the locking.

All locks now have the universal 8" x 8" paddles . The set time for passing a narow lock is 20 minutes. There are no longer any wide locks because of the cost of maintenance.

Tunnel passages must be booked at least two weeks in advance. All the crew will remain in the cabin area and the boat will be steered by our staff. They have all been on a two day course and therefore know what they are doing.

You must only moor at designated sites.These are open to the general public. Everwhere else is, at the insistence of English Nature an S.S.S.I.

Moored boats are fitted with sensitive motion sensors.These are linked to pre-recorded messages. These messages must not include more than one expletive and be played at no more than 110 decibels.

We are no longer allowed to use mechanical dredgers. Our manually operated dredger is making its way around the system. However the operator, Mr. Geller, has informed us that the spoon is bent so progress has paused but we still hope to reach our target of a channel 15' wide and 2' deep by 2120.

All steerers must have beards. In the rare case that the steerer is a lady this requirement may be waived at the discretion of CART.

Lock workers, to show competence, ability and experience must wear a dress. The rare male working locks will be subject to this requirement. Scots may substitute the kilt. The dress should have a modest neckline so as not to agitate our elderly

volunteers.

The small hut at Great Haywood is our tool store. It is where we keep our barrow and spade. Do not add to the graffiti on the door.

The Obudsman system has ended. Its replacement is an arbitration panel made up of representatives from Cycling, Angling and Ramblers associations. If their meetings are not quorate then the H.Q. tea ladies will make up the numbers.

In the case of a medical emergency you should call us, during normal office hours, and a Waterways Medical Assistant

will be sent. They have been on a two day course andd therefore know what they are doing.

Because of the lack of volunteers it is a condition of your licence that you provide five days unpaid labour each year. This will usually be spent cleaning sanitary stations and will include a statutory lecture by a representative from English Nature on the mating habits of the newt.

 

And some of this is already happening.

 

Regards, HughC.

Edited by hughc
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stagedamager Experienced

stagedamager

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Not forgetting if a paddle is wrapped in hazard tape, the aforementioned tape is now Grade 1/2 listed and as such will take months to gain permissions to remove, let alone commence repair. Said repair must have the permissions of Natural England and only if the council of Newts is happy.

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Timleech Veteran II

Timleech

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Not forgetting if a paddle is wrapped in hazard tape, the aforementioned tape is now Grade 1/2 listed and as such will take months to gain permissions to remove, let alone commence repair. Said repair must have the permissions of Natural England and only if the council of Newts is happy.

I've just received, as the nearest neighbour, notification from the local Council of a CRT planning application to replace the top gate on the stop lock (because it's a listed structure). It's had two new top gates and a new set of bottom gates since I've been here, and it's been Listed for all of that time, so why do they feel the need to go through this rigmarole this time when they haven't before?

Incidentally, at the time of the Listing it had a steel top gate. I bet the change from steel to timber wasn't officially approved by the planners wink.png

 

Tim

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MtB Veteran II

MtBDonate to Canal World

Posted
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The boating season runs from April to September inclusive.

 

You must only moor at designated sites.These are open to the general public. Everwhere else is, at the insistence of English Nature an S.S.S.I.

 

 

These two items are the most likely to come to pass IMO, and well before 2050.

 

Too serious to joke about.

 

 

MtB

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stagedamager Experienced

stagedamager

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The council of Newts have insisted that water voles aren't mentioned. They were friends once.... until the voles munched through the secret entrance to their den and they were visited by a rather interested and slightly irritated badger.

They weren't happy.

At all.

Edited by stagedamager
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FadeToScarlet Veteran

FadeToScarlet

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The council of Newts have insisted that water voles aren't mentioned. They were friends once.... until the voles munched through the secret entrance to their den and they were visited by a rather interested and slightly irritated badger.

They weren't happy.

At all.

Council of Newts? Splitters!

 

(Edit to add: are you still in "telling bedtime stories to the kids" mode? :D )

Edited by FadeToScarlet
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stagedamager Experienced

stagedamager

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The Council of Newts have insisted Kenwood would be their preferred Electric Motor. Under no circumstances must a dough hook be used on the said motor as it may upset the sub aqua greenery. It also would be wise to wrap any whisk in bubble wrap so as to ensure no greenery could be wrapped into it and be subjected to a violent demise. Mincing attachments are very much a no no. The Variable speed control must not exceed 5, and must only be run between 10am and 4pm. Under no circumstances must they be run between 12 and 1 as the newts are sleeping.

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