1st ade

I think you're floundering to think of a reply... Presumably the 230v bilge pump was a whale? In which case the OP should source a batter one...

Oh do stop Carping on about it...

Funny you should say that - MK Planning are now routinely refusing Planning Permission to convert an off-road parking space into a garage on the basis that the last thing most people do with a garage is put a car in it! Off road parking to garage is seen as one less parking space.

Errrm. We have the odd one in Milton Keynes. Close inspection after dark show's it's not a local resident leaving it near his house (many houses are terraced and face direct to the street) but that they are occupied. Favourite deterrent to date (as there seems to be no law against occupying a motorhome on the street) is when the local kids twig and think it's a great joke to rock it a few inches just before their bed time / on the way to school.

The kids keep taking the piss out of my Alzheimer's. Won't be so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and find there's no eggs under the f*%**g bonfire

Basil Brush from memory (with a "Boom boom!" to follow)

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp? It was a real slap in the faith.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. " The moral of the story is: When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either. This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

To which the Copper should have replied "Tough $#!t, you do now!"

You are correct but litter bins are local council and dog poo bins are parish. There are a lot more of the latter than the former.

We've done that in our Parish. Short term; the caretakers picking up the poo wins. Longer term the "shitiest Street award" wins out as we shame people into actually taking the poo away (admittedly there is a difference between the streets of a town where there is no "stick and flick" and a towpath where there might be). For the record, our Parish of 12,500 people has 74 dog poo bins and we pay just over £2 per bin per week for them to be emptied.

A wind turbine was asked its opinion on sustainable energy..... It replied "I'm a big fan"

I tried making a square the other day but ended up with an octagon. Serves me right for cutting corners.

I love the Show of Hands version - didn't know it was a cover. Virtual Greenie (Must do homework next time...)

Out clubbing the other night, and DJ Badger was playing. Great sett.