Tiny

We were told a story by a single hander who had tried using the bollards for his rope - leaving the rope wound loosly round the bollard. In his case a helpful boater seeing the rope was not tied pulled it tight and tied it! Having wound a paddle before he realised the rope had been tied, the single hander had to drop it rapidly and run to the other end to let water in, passing the bemused boater. But he was too late, the boat was hung from the rope and the rope broke. Luckily the boat landed flat and the flying rope end missed those present but in the boat a lot of stuff got smashed.

We once hired in winter and waking to over an inch of ice, being moored near to the place that holds the cold records for England we phoned the yard and on their sayso smashed the ice enough to get off the bank to get moving. This chewed the poles - which really surprised us. We did 15miles including embankments (where the ice was thicker and we had to slowly back (to minimise prop damage) and then speed forward, and cuttings where the ice sang into the distance - a wonderful experience. We found to run the boat through ice you sort of balanced the speed to climb the ice and crush it and then throttled back once moving as though surfing. We saw no boats moving but did exchange friendly (fellow loony) greetings with a fisherman - who knew the only ice free patch of 10yard in the whole distance. Finally arriving our ice trail free stretched back into the distance - meanwhile the yard boss said the boat was due to be blacked and from waterlevel down it was ready polished down to the shiney metal. For real warmth try ladies tights - the ones that cover the foot - if anything they are too warm. We prefer layers of clothing and buy them in ascending sizes as in 3x, 4x, 5x for succeeding layers. Lots of shops offer such sizes at very good prices. Biker baraclavas and bike or ski goggles (or wilco eye protector ones) are also useful as is full thermal underwear and army neck warmers.

Of course sometimes, ropes being ropes the thumbline didn't undo and the rail came off as the boat exited the lock. How easily this could be done given the massive momentum of a loaded narrow boat we found a week back when a loaded coal boat copped a load round the prop going into reverse at a T&M lock and having no mooring posts to get a line round they hit the top gate at very slow speed. Even at slow speed the coalboat smashed off the top walkway which BW had to fish out of the lockmouth with a grapple - the coalman having called them up before using the boathook on the prop to clear it (an art in itself) and then continuing on his round.

I don't mind slowing but what really annoys me is these odd fishing chappies who, as I approach, don't withdraw their line but hang it up in the sky so the water can drip from the maggot onto us passing below. When that happens I suggest to the fisherman that his line has a maggot at both ends. I once complained to BW who were revising their good practise guide for fishermen, that rather than the rod being raised above the boat leaving his safety at the mercy of the fisherman and where he slung his hook, the rod and line should be withdrawn or the rod swung sideways parallel to the bank. The response from their fisheries officer, who I understand then (really) was a Mr Fisher, was that such a practise might endanger other fishermen and therefore BW refused to suggest it. Luckily most fishermen do use use the withdrawl method but there always seems to be at least one who wants to keep it stuck up for rapid redeployment.

We experienced the modern attitude a couple of weeks back. We were moored in the country near a tatty boat when a man arrived at it. He told us it was his and had been in good condition when stolen from his marina two months earlier. The police had told him that day that it had been found and that he should collect it. They also told him it had been registered in someone elses name but refused to tell him who - a thing he found annoying as they also told him the boat was semi derilict now without an engine. (He having attached a new 4-stroke just before it was nicked!) Now the man was due at work tomorrow and as it was already late afternoon he felt he had to move the boat to a safe mooring and the nearest was a couple of miles so he must pull it. At this point along came a boat going his way so we hailed it, explained the problem to the boater and asked if he would tow the boat. No way - he was only going to the next bridge. So the man bowhauled the boat into the gloom and the other boat went off very much quicker. Next day - returning along the canal - we passed the ex-stolen boat at it's safe mooring and the boat whose owner had refused the tow at his club marina mooring 200yds beyond - some 3 bridges along from the point of refusal.

Earlier this year we approached this bridge for the umpteenth time and were interested in how difficult it is to pick the right arch from a distance. First you can't see it at all because of the bend in the river, then when it is in sight the blue arrow doesn't show that well in bright light. If you assume the centre arch is the one by the time you see the arrow, if the stream is running, it takes a good turn and a bit of power to get on the right line. No critisism of the Upper Avon is meant - we think DH did a wonderful job given the problems. That said I am amazed more boats don't hit this bridge or pick the wrong arch given the numbers that boat without maps.

Some years ago we were waiting at the north end of Harecastle with boats coming through from the south. The keeper counted them out - all but the last one. Peering into the tunnel no-one could see anything. He confirmed the last boat - a just started hire fron Stoke marina - was definately in the tunnel and the keeper the other end could see something in there and hear the engine (having switched off his fans). And so we waited - and waited. As time went on we could definately hear an engine and see something - but no lights at all or any talking. Over the next half hour the something got closer but very slowly. Finally, an hour after the previous boat the Black Death emerged. It and the crew were covered in dirt and dust from the tunnel and even in the few yards we could see them for before they exited they showed why as they bounced off both walls. Coming into the light they all seemed to be in shock and didn't seem to notice anything as they hit the tunnel safety boat and banged off along the far edge. They looked like pastry cooks who had had a flour fight. As he passed the steerer muttered at the tunnel keeper (who was yelling as to what was wrong). We deduced between us that he had said the headlight and all the other lights had gone out in the tunnel. From then on we assumed they had slowly pinballed along in the dark. On a lighter note we reckon Harecastle should earn money for BW as a ghostride - all it needs is the props. It would be so much better than the coloured lights of Newbold etc. They could run trips through - with a doctor on board for H&S. There is, of course already a skeleton in the tunnel near the north end.

Didn't old Alvechurches and some modern Anderson boats have twin portholes visible either side of the front doors?

Strange - I moor on the Llangollen and agree with all those hackneyed prejudices as you call them. Since the last dregding parts that were shallow have become so again, The narrowness of the canal due to lack of cutting back foliage on both banks in places means you do have to watch out for inexperienced crews being washed downstream on the tide or flying out of a blind bridgehole. And, if anything, the maintainance on the canal gets worse year on year with an ever greater amount of DEFRA rash around.

On sharp bends and blind bridgeholes the wife is up the front spotting. If I reckon I need too I tell her I am going to Toot the Tooter and give it a good long 5-10 second blast - which might give a hint to someone coming that we are here. The bit on the North Oxford entering Braunston is a typical dodgy with boat moored one side, boats at the sanitary and the odd few boats both ways down the bit of water left to them. This is the sort of place I use the horn and on one occasion had some w----- on his moored boat screaming at me to shut up. Going round a sharp bend speed and positioning, just in case someone appears are very important and going through the turn these two must be maintained if possible. A lot of boaters cut the corner - causing their boat to end up on the wrong side. Others go too near the outside and as the bend unwinds go aground or hit the bank, So the best course is to be more or less central, but always ready to flick in or out if a boat appears depending on what it's doing. Actually this is easier than it seems if you let the force be with you - and always remember that boats turn corners in a semi skid from the first third (position from the front) to the second third. Of course you can't legislate for ever idiot. We were once rammed into a concrete offside bank by a gent with a party of scouts (racing him in kayaks) who left base and proceeded down a wide straight bit of canal at a speed estimated to be 6-8mph by the line of boaters whose pins he had tore from the ground. He then entered a sharp right hand turn, paniced, slammed his boat into reverse, saw us approaching with enough room to get round if he just had steered round the bend or even straight, instead of which he kept in full reverse slewing across the canal to crash nose first into us - luckily missing the window but crashing us into the bank, before he pinballed on his way roaring with laughter (or maybe it was a fit of hysterics) round the bend and out of sight.

Their flobber language was the noise made when you fart in the bath which the original creator called a flobber. The modern ones use is as a swear word and in that series the worm in the muck has a Ken Livingstone like voice. Unfortunately like the modern Andy Pandy, The Little Weed is a real smart arse!

I think Kermit the Frog would be an excellent BW chairman with Miss Piggy as chief executive.

It seems the bollards (but not the square ones) come from a company connected to an ex BW general manager.

Depending on the under water contour and depth of a canal, the wind and your speed your boat can literally walk all over the canal. The prop has more effect on turning the boat from a straight course when in reverse but, in some flat sterned hire boats I have noticed a definate tendency for the back to move across in bridgeholes and other narrow places. The trick is to compensate as this sort of thing happens, though if you are going fast often moving the tiller to compensate over long periods can be had work. Wind is the worst thing for boats - especially a cross wind from the back and if you are in an exposed area - like the Shroppie adjusting to it can be tiring. One way is to zigzag -going across towards the windy side, then letting the wind push you back over before you (before it's to late) go across again.

Unfortunately the myth of a contact sport is even taught to first time hirers. We were moored and heard a boat approach. From the chat it was a crew under instruction (though not in a tunnel). Then the expert teaching them informed them that it did not matter if they hit other boats as IT'S A CONTACT SPORT and went on to say that often to turn your boat or keep it on line it was easiest to use a moored boat as a pivot. We dived out and repelled his demo of this saying exactly what we thought of idiots like him. At which point he told the hirers not to listen to fools like us as he had been an instructor for 15 years!

I was first shown it by keepers at Bingley 5 rise many years back. (Not Barry - it was his day off.) When alone in a wide lock we use this system, adjusting throttle and steering as necessary to move round bolts etc in lock walls while keeping the front rope taught. In some northern locks boats are pulled forward very powerfully - too much for someone holding a rope. In contrast Grand union locks - and most of those on the K&A - are gentle with little powerful movement. In a lock we have not done before the above technique is used - until we have sampled the wiles of said lock. It's a Health and Safety thing!

I suggest you moor between Gailey and Hatherton on the S&W and enjoy the 'no wash' you speak of when one of the local canoe chaps decides to do a speed run past you or race his mate. Unfortunately the clowns in this entertainment are normally in offices.

I once hired a boat that had a main and dip setting. I used it and it (dipping up and right) worked well - so well that the dip we felt was a better setting than the straight down the tunnel one. So we didn't blind them but they still blinded us.

Call it 'No Mooring' or 'Locks'

We slow down as the boat approaches and, if the mob on the approaching boat are half sane (some are not) start a dialogue. If they are near stopped and not near the wall we normally suggest that they move over while coming slowly forward - instead of (as many do) assuming the tunnel is 25' wide and so sitting in mid canal - or floating diagonally across it. This does work with hire boats most of the time (though one lot at the front told us to tell the bloke at the back - not them!) Private boats are a different kettle of fish - you just don't know what they will do - slid past fast or slow beautifully or just ram you with that bloody stupid 'contact sport haha' line. The worse clown we and a line of boats came across in a tunnel was a private who operated a technique of placing himself stopped againt the wall (maybe a foot off) and, when the boat coming the other way got about 20' off him, still approaching, he slammed on the power and turned the tiller hard over swinging his nose out to hit the oncoming boat. Swapping notes at a lock after the tunnel he managed to hit every boat he passed nice and hard! Maybe he was scoring points.

When I hang in mid canal waiting for a boat to exit a lock I assume we will pass left to left - but it depends on the ideas of the other boat so I am willing to go either side just as long as they get out of the lock entrance - which some don't - so I can get in. Because of this I hang back as far as possible (to give me room) staying in the next lock if it's a flight. Once they start coming, if they seem unsure as to which side I try to tell them (with the finger) you that side. But only when they start moving I do beging the pass as some say one thing and do another. The one that really annoys is ones in short pounds who get half way round then start mucking about. We had a classic case of this at Bosley with an expert who only had to drive forward into the lock but then, as he passed for some reason went into reverse, leaving his back end blocking my back end swing as I turned into the lock. By the time he finished mucking about he was half way across the pound with his wife effing at me for getting in his way - I having assessed the problem and slid past him (just). Strangely these sorts of things happen much more with private boaters than hire ones who tend to operate a best foot forward and worry about the lock when you get there system.

It's happened to us. Once it was a show boat in a hurry to get to a show who waited just outside and as the gate opened just dived in before we could come out. The other time was much more dangerous. We (boat and me) came up in a wide lock to find a bloke (who we found instructs hire boats (which go out from a bankside yard some 20 locks away) on technique and thought himself a real expert) giving no help but chatting to his mate while ignoring my wife - who opened the nearside gate for me to come out of. Chummies boat is at the mooring with two women yabbing on the back. As the wife opens the gate, chummy strides round the locks and starts opening the other gate, while the boat at the mooring floats out into the canal diagonally blocking our way. As the wife finishes winding down her paddle and goes to climb aboard chummy tells us to 'get on with it' at which I point out that we can't go anywhere with this boat in the way. At this moment the boat in question starts moving - straight for lock - aiming for the centre as though we don't exist - and it keeps coming with much engine on - ignoring hoots and yells. It hits us just as the wife steps onto the floor at our front end. Then, with bright smiles and waves the two women, still yabbing, crash down the side of us with us both hanging on for dear life and are only stopped when the ram the gate. Feeling quite angry at this needless bit of stupidity I open with 'You silly cow' and go on to expand on this while demanding to know why they moved off, entered the lock etc.. The tearing herself away from her important conversation, the lady informs that their boat is much too heavy to hold to the bank for her and her mate and that it's not her fault etc.. At this point Mr on the far bank weighs in with his 'I am an instructor and you should have left the lock - they were in the right' - at which point we, somewhat shaken, have passed out of the lock - leaving it to the ladies - who obviously were not instructed about reverse and so are jammed on the bottom gate.

Look on www.jim-shead.com He list all the names of boats there so you can see how many others with your boats name you might meet.

While talking on the lock etiquette thread I realised that the etiquette of exchanging locks in flights seems to be another area where some people do some weird and illogical things. For example, working down Tyrley we exchanged locks with a boat coming up from the bottom lock to the next. Arriving at the bottom lock just before our boat the wife was set upon by a lady who was very angry and implied it was only her good manners that had stopped her shutting the gate 'After that boat left it open!' When the wife suggested one up one down the lady informed her that there were two boats below the lock and only us in the pound and, as we had just arrived in said pound, they, who had been waiting a few minutes had priority. At this point the wife changed the subject asking if they were out for long and was amazed to find this lady had been a boat owner for years and so 'knew what she was talking about'. Strangely enough, in the pound we had just vacated there is a ledge on the towpath side which is idealy placed to ground any boat whose crew think this spot the ideal mooring while waiting for the lock. To counter this BW have actually erected signs telling boaters not to moor in the pound and to exchange locks, this being the only place we know of where this is done. However the ladies attitude, which we find is one shared by many boaters to various degrees seems a little strange given that lock flights are best operated by exchanging locks if possible. A we know and often find, putting two or more boats in the same pound going in the same direction causes work for crews and complication which ripple back up and down to other boats going in both directions through the flight.

The ones that really get me are those who leave the gates for us to come in, drive out of the lock - then block our going in while they start going all over the place to pick up crew members who could have stepped onto the boat in the lock or lock mouth before it left but don't seem to have the wit or will to do it. Such things are further complicated if the family dog is ashore and the boat must be adjusted so that it can be lifted on. One of the things the wife does, while working a lock, is to work out where she can get on the boat if we plan to leave the gates open for an approaching boat. There is no problem going up and on going down most locks allow you to get on just below the gates as the boat passes. Some - like those on the Shroppie are not so easy but that's part of the fun. Having wound her paddle the wife often asked the one struggling opposite if they would like a hand. She does it less now as many seemed to think it an honour thing that they wound a paddle for their boat. The odd one of similar age seemed happy for the help from a fellow OAP but some got rather stroppy. So now she judges what type she has got and just chats without the offer in some cases.