Breeze of the week.

[bizzard]

Cor I'm all aquiver now in anticipation as I wait for cow pat 5

 

Phil

Cow pat five will be trodden in this evening.

Funnily enough I've just this minute got back from Stanstead airport taking friends who are flying off to Girona Spain (true) and while I was there I nipped up to the control tower and had a word with Mr Plummet (untrue) who was busy talking down to safety a short sighted, elderly, lost and distressed racing pidgeon

onto runway 2-left, to warn him of this evenings kite tomfoolery.

Edited December 14, 2013 by bizzard

[Phil Ambrose]

Dear Mr Bizzard your help is urgently needed on the Santa the Dark side thread if you can spare the time.

Phil

[Beaker]

Cow pat five will be trodden in this evening.

 

Well? We're waiting!

[bizzard]

 

Well? We're waiting!

Ok, I've stopped for lunch at the mo, but its getting nice and windy again so later this evening.

[Beaker]

Ooh, goody!

 

<wanders off to look for wellies>

[bizzard]

Ooh, goody!

 

<wanders off to look for wellies>

Yeeesss!!, I've found it Beaker. I will complete this story later this evening after I've warned ATC at Stansted airport of my intentions.

[bizzard]

Yeeesss!!, I've found it Beaker. I will complete this story later this evening after I've warned ATC at Stansted airport of my intentions.

The kind but worried chief air traffic controller Mr Plummet at Stanstead airport who is very brave and who's job could be in great jeopardy has given me exclusive permission for my kite to ascend into the dizzy heights of commercial air traffic altitudes and has promised to clear the skies of all aircraft and to divert them all to other airports between the hours of 9pm and 10pm tonight, So it will be GO! GO! GO!

[Beaker]

Woohoo!

[bizzard]

Stop press. Update.

The MD of Ryanair the one Mr O'Dreary has lodged a complaint to Mr Plummet about diverting his aircraft because they come home to roost at that time of night and is after compensation for the extra fuel needed to divert them and if it's not forthcoming he's threatened to call up a Typhoon fighter plane from RAF Coningsby to shoot my lovely Kite down. But don't worry folks I'll squash him. THE KITE FLIGHT WILL GO AHEAD!.

One or two minor repairs have to be done to the kites fabric because of bird peckage and a few moth holes.

[Peter X]

Bizzard, that was a very long lunch you went for back on 18/12/2013. I'm guessing that maybe it was a big office Christmas dinner, that by the time it had finished the wind had died down and you'd lost your kite, and that's what "I've found it" refers to? Meanwhile I hope Beaker has found his wellies.

 

Ignore Mr O'Dreary, his threats are empty. I don't think a Typhoon would have the right armaments to shoot down a kite, because it's only designed to attack big targets like planes and tanks, probably using heat-seeking missiles. Your kite wouldn't show up on its systems?

[bizzard]

Part 4. The big test flight, With all your stuff assembled in the field and the wind has now got up a bit its time for action!!!. Firsly examine your flying field closely for cow pats and if there are any cows present find another field for if you run into one you could break its ribs. Your kite should be laid out neatly on the ground behind you with you holding on to its string and facing into the prevailing wind, mmm rrrr! sniff, sniff that lovely fresh air. If its a bit chilly or cold your poor old nose might start running but have no fear you will soon catch up with it when you start running to launch your kite.

Take note of the position of your pilots swivel chair or commode which should be positioned in about the middle of the field.

Having notified the airports chief air traffic controller, Mr Plummet that your kite could if a strong wind pipes up soar up in and amongst all the aeroplane traffic we are all ready to go, so.

On the count of three, get set, GO! GO! GOOOOOOO!!! run loik fook dragging the kite behind you and giving sharp tugs on the string to encourage it to fly. After a bit you should catch up with your nose so grab it and put it back on. Your kite all aflutter behind you is now getting all vigorous and flappy like trying to take off like a big swan without any feet. So run, run and run, faster, faster and faster, your kite has taken off at last, the wind has really got a hold on it now and its blossoming out and soaring at great speed up into the sky. The pull on the string will be quite powerful so as soon as you can start maneuvering about the field working your way towards your swivelling chair and winch the better whilst watching your kite soaring about above.

On reaching your chair sit down in it, clamping the meccano winch down across your lap. You can now keep tying more and more balls of string on to get your kite up to a really decent and realistic altitude. Tie the string off on your winches winding drum now and sit back winding it back and forth following every whim of your kite in the cosy knowledge that your swivel chair will swing right and left, right and left as the wind direction fluctuates and sometimes even spinning you round and round like a spinning top in a complete change of wind direction, line squall or tornado. So sit there in the comfort of your swivel chair tweaking the string, working the winch whilst admiring with huge admiration all agulp with emotion, tears in your eyes, watching your beautiful and magnificent homemade kite soaring about up there in the blue, or blackness if its night time.

 

Pat 5 later. The big precabyrious finale. Bizzard.

PART 5. Adding on more string. So we're sitting in the homemade flite swivel chair playing the kites string in and out with the Meccano winch and watching your kite zooming about, but keeping it below even light aircrafts flying altitudes of around 2 or 3,000 ft and itching to add on more balls of string to allow your kite to ascend, soaring up to really tremendous heights.

Waiting! waiting! waiting!, Still waiting for permission to do so by airport AT controller Mr Plummet, so sit back, have a cup of tea and a fag.

 

Just had a call from the airport to say that AT controller Mr Plummet has gone home suffering from a spot of chronic Amnesia and we're now awaiting the grand entrance of the 'standby controller' to come on duty, a Mrs Brenda Bungleluftworthy who's just finishing cleaning the lavatories. Mrs Bungleluftworthy is an enormous woman whose major roll at the airport is pest control and bird scaring, bird scaring because of her tremendously powerful stentorian voice. She carries out this duty by skateboarding up and down the runways waving her rolling pin and shouting SCRAM!!. Mrs Brenda Bungleluftworthy by sheer size, determination and dominance and muscle partakes in virtually every possible job at the airport as well as bird scaring, from Mr O'Dreary's personal tea lady to manually pushing back and pulling planes about and even mending them, she is also a very accomplished air hostess ''bouncer'' for Wizzzzzair on their roudy holiday flights. Her services are also keenly sought by other package deal airlines, such as Queasyjet during the summer. Her AT controlling technique is a bit hit and miss though but nobody dares to interfere when she's concentrating on the radar monitor. Yes, Mrs Brenda Bungleluftworthy is mighty powerful and a force to be reckoned with. She resides on site with her pet Giant Anaconda in a shack made of pallets on the grass alongside Fedex's cargo shed.

Sorry this is not getting the kite up to a high altitude is it? I'm going to take a tea break until Brenda finishes cleaning the lavs and arrives in the control tower to give us the necessary flight permission, which shouldn't be long folks.

 

Where's that Beaker.

Edited July 18, 2015 by bizzard

[bizzard]

PART 5. Adding on more string. So we're sitting in the homemade flite swivel chair playing the kites string in and out with the Meccano winch and watching your kite zooming about, but keeping it below even light aircrafts flying altitudes of around 2 or 3,000 ft and itching to add on more balls of string to allow your kite to ascend, soaring up to really tremendous heights.

Waiting! waiting! waiting!, Still waiting for permission to do so by airport AT controller Mr Plummet, so sit back, have a cup of tea and a fag.

 

Just had a call from the airport to say that AT controller Mr Plummet has gone home suffering from a spot of chronic Amnesia and we're now awaiting the grand entrance of the 'standby controller' to come on duty, a Mrs Brenda Bungleluftworthy who's just finishing cleaning the lavatories. Mrs Bungleluftworthy is an enormous woman whose major roll at the airport is pest control and bird scaring, bird scaring because of her tremendously powerful stentorian voice. She carries out this duty by skateboarding up and down the runways waving her rolling pin and shouting SCRAM!!. Mrs Brenda Bungleluftworthy by sheer size, determination and dominance and muscle partakes in virtually every possible job at the airport as well as bird scaring, from Mr O'Dreary's personal tea lady to manually pushing back and pulling planes about and even mending them, she is also a very accomplished air hostess ''bouncer'' for Wizzzzzair on their roudy holiday flights. Her services are also keenly sought by other package deal airlines, such as Queasyjet during the summer. Her AT controlling technique is a bit hit and miss though but nobody dares to interfere when she's concentrating on the radar monitor. Yes, Mrs Brenda Bungleluftworthy is mighty powerful and a force to be reckoned with. She resides on site with her pet Giant Anaconda in a shack made of pallets on the grass alongside Fedex's cargo shed.

Sorry this is not getting the kite up to a high altitude is it? I'm going to take a tea break until Brenda finishes cleaning the lavs and arrives in the control tower to give us the necessary flight permission, which shouldn't be long folks.

 

Where's that Beaker.

Meanwhile;. There's been high drama at the airport, all down to Mrs Bunglesluftworthy's high speed dash from cleaning the lavs to take up her ATC duty up in the control tower. She called in at the canteen for a quick cuppa on the way and suffered a bit of an electric shock by treading on a bun that someone had dropped and from which a currant ran up her leg. She recovered quite quickly though, drank her tea and then dashed over to the control tower in which she broke the bloomin lift and became a prisoner, trapped and stranded in it halfway up the tower. She hollered out for help and was soon rescued by her pet Anaconda, which she slithered down to safety on. We are now waiting for her to be airlifted through the control tower roof with the kind help of the RAF with a big Chinook helicopter. Needless to say the air traffic far and wide is in absolute chaos whilst waiting for guidance instructions, not to mention our poor old kite which is still all ahover with extra balls of string standing by, waiting, waiting, waiting.

[Phil Ambrose]

The suspense is killing me, is there anything we can do to help?

Phil

[Beaker]

 

Where's that Beaker.

 

Meep?

The suspense is killing me

 

Same here!

 

is there anything we can do to help?

Phil

 

Keep your head down!

[patty-ann]

Dear Mr Bizzard

Im busy building lots of kites, I have lots of rubbish useful products ripped out of house renovation..at last a worthwhile use.

Im thinking of setting up a honesty box outside property and selling finished kites and making lots of money.

Thank you very much for the instructions.

Regards

Patty

[Morticiah]

Part 2. Notes on kite construction ;---. Hello again. .....

To make a simple shaped kite which fly about very powerfully a square shaped one is easy to make.

Grasp the two long sticks and tie them together cross + fashion at their middles with some string. This when done unless your stupid should look like a +.

 

mine doesn't look like a + :-(

it looks like an x

 

I think I might need help. Qualified Kite technicians please contact me.

[John V]

Dear nice Mr Bizzard,

HELP!!! I fownd too nice big sticks on the key syde (the man from the sailingmotor boat wos aparrentlee not pleesed) I have tried to tie them in annot wiv hairy string I pinched akwired from the postman but everitym i pik them up the string broke

The fishing boat man has his trawl lines on the key syde wil they be better?

[bizzard]

Part 6 and all queries answered later when I'm sober.

[bizzard]

Dear Mr Bizzard

Im busy building lots of kites, I have lots of rubbish useful products ripped out of house renovation..at last a worthwhile use.

Im thinking of setting up a honesty box outside property and selling finished kites and making lots of money.

Thank you very much for the instructions.

Regards

Patty

My pleasure patty-ann,

[Phil Ambrose]

Still agog and counting the hours till Biz sobers up.

Phil

[Beaker]

Still agog and counting the hours till Biz sobers up.

Phil

 

Could be days...

[John V]

Oh dear ....I'm in suspenders