Confidential: Team “Barney on Stern Gland”Temporary Acting captain Rustys log.
Friday, May 8th, 1918 - VE Day special.
Status: 10’6 boat still stuck in a 7 foot lock Curdworth Lock 8.Well Captain America did say today's locks would take longer.
The CRAP (Crew Reliability And Performance) has hit the fan.
The POOP (Persistent Objective Operative Points) has gone down the scoop. The crew looked forward to the VE day celebrations. They had to really, as they wouldn't happen for another 27 years. Mr smelly set the dials of the Automat Sensucht to 1945, but nothing happened. He had reset the digital clock in the galley by mistake and the time was now wrong. The rag tag, motley crew, had finally flipped. The blatant and obvious BCN challenge rigging that has been going on all week had come to a head.It happened over our early morning crew planning breakfast (Yes we do plan all this tripe). "Mutiny Mutiny Mutiny" was the scream from Jennifer, the ring leader,as we all jumped into action, and grabbed Dr Bob (The real captain) by the barnacles. The final straw was getting stuck in the lock yesterday.It had also not gone unnoticed that the ships supply of jaffa cakes had been depleted, and we all knew who had eaten them. Dr Bob's gorn to the dawgs. He is now tied to the galley chair waiting for the plank. "Where is Mr Smelly, anyone seen him?" Jennifer has gone absent without tea leaves, Roland is digging out some pirate costumes.
Peterboat is locked in his lab knocking up a self extending plank with left over parts from the jet propulsion drive project. Bob will be made to walk the plank at 6pm, then keel hauled, covered in custard, bitumen and duck feathers. The ships rubber dinghy will then be inflated, and the treacherous Muppet will be set adrift on the high sees of the BCN,with his duck in his hand. As the sun fell above the yardarm, the final scene was set. The distant guns in the background fell silent, as Mrsmelly turned the TV set off on the VE day guns of the Navarone film remake. The muppet was forced onto the plank at the pointy end of a bic biro, and tentatively edged his way eastward. There was a huge thud as he hit the ground. Some plank had put the plank out the wrong side. Roland quickly fixed the plank to the other side of the boat, and Jennifer and Peterboat pushed the muppet onto it. There was another huge thud, much like the first, as Dr Bob landed on the towpath and ran away. We had forgotten the boat was stuck in a lock.
I may have got my Pirates mixed up with my mutineers. I would like to sack my script writers, production team, make up artist, and special effects supervisor, without whom all of this rubbish would not have been possible. <Acting Rustys log Ends>