I live a short walk from my local, a modern but nice enough canalside pub adjacent to a marina, where boats regularly moor in the marina and on the bank for the night and presumably some of the boaters are in the pud enjoying a quite drink, but how do I get to meet them for a bit of boater’s banter, is there a secret sign I don’t know about?
I’ve tried sitting at the bar reading Towpath Talk and muttering “Bloody British Waterways” at regular intervals but no joy, the only person that did approach me asked the way to the gents, when I came back with “pump-out or cassette” he just gave me a puzzled look and quickly backed away so obviously not a boater, no true boater could resist that question, ever.
Then I had a cunning plan (a Baldrick moment if you like), if I don’t look like a boater, maybe if I smelt like one….. so move over Channel Number 5, K-Lo’s Essence d’Bargee is the new smell on the block.
Made with a careful balanced cocktail of red diesel, engine oil, wood smoke and elsan fluid, dabbed liberally behind the ears then a liberal coating of dog sh*t (or the nearest available faeces) applied to the soles of the shoes and as much pre-chewed food as |I could fit into my beard and they had to know I was one of them.
Nothing, however, the pub was unusually quiet that night as everyone seemed to leave just after I arrived, so come on guys what’s the secret sign, let me in on it, please!!