How to make.

[bizzard]

Depicted below is a simply constructed ear trumpet-megaphone. Ideal for bawling orders, shouting for HELP!! in an emergency, or listening to someone else shouting for HELP!! in an emergency.

All that's required is = One traffic cone, one car door handle and two self tapping screws.

 

Drill and fix with the two screws the handle to a comfortable position roughly midway along the cone.

With the bread knife sculpt the cone small end to suit your embouchure or lug-ole whichever you happen to be most deficient in, ie (shouting or hearing) or both.

These cones can be bought or nicked from a roadworks, if nicked repaint it a different colour. Plenty of them in canals and rivers if you care to fish for them, easy with the aid of a plastic magnet.

WARNING! Before use, check it internally for Earwigs, they like to live in them.

This magnificent tool will also locate by ear, the direction and with a little manipulation lock on to the sound of approaching helicopters, which gives ample time for you to cover your pet dog or cats ears in case the racket upsets them.

Edited June 1, 2016 by bizzard

[John V]

Dear Mr Bizzard ,

 

Sir I hope you will not mind me requesting clarification on a couple of points, (it hurts when I sit on them).

 

Do you need to paint them different colours for either shouting or listening? or is there a special paint that will let you do both?

 

Thank you Sir, in anticipation of your advice

 

Puzzled of Benfleet

[patty-ann]

Dear Mr Bizzard

Thank you most kindly for your latest pearls of wisdom bestowed on the unworthy such as me.

I am relieved to see/hear you have found a potential source of income/use for the many sad discarded traffic cones that keep Freddy fish company down below....however if said traffic cones are being utilised as a home for Freddy Fish would we be making them homeless? Is this allowed? Should we issue an eviction notice before taking away their shelter?

Signed

Puzzled Patty

[Laurie Booth]

Dear Mr Bizzard

Thank you most kindly for your latest pearls of wisdom bestowed on the unworthy such as me.

I am relieved to see/hear you have found a potential source of income/use for the many sad discarded traffic cones that keep Freddy fish company down below....however if said traffic cones are being utilised as a home for Freddy Fish would we be making them homeless? Is this allowed? Should we issue an eviction notice before taking away their shelter?

Signed

Puzzled Patty

Dear Patty-ann of ???,

 

All legal provided the fish are issued with a section 21 notice asking them to leave.

[bizzard]

Dear Mr Bizzard ,

 

Sir I hope you will not mind me requesting clarification on a couple of points, (it hurts when I sit on them).

 

Do you need to paint them different colours for either shouting or listening? or is there a special paint that will let you do both?

 

Thank you Sir, in anticipation of your advice

 

Puzzled of Benfleet

Mmmm, now let me see, yyess, I think you need carbon fibre armoured underpants. The colour only needs to be changed if you've nicked it, to prevent identification.Yew've been in the Hoy and Helmet haven't yew. Everyone's Dauntless in Benfleet?

Edited June 2, 2016 by bizzard

[John V]

and occasionally in the Half Crown (they like old money down here) and and Dauntless the chandlery still only takes cash

[bizzard]

Dear Mr Bizzard ,

 

Sir I hope you will not mind me requesting clarification on a couple of points, (it hurts when I sit on them).

 

Do you need to paint them different colours for either shouting or listening? or is there a special paint that will let you do both?

 

Thank you Sir, in anticipation of your advice

 

Puzzled of Benfleet

Most fish are continuous cruisers, although certain fish like Pike tend to lurk about and overstay.

Sorry John, this was meant for Laurie Booth

Edited June 2, 2016 by bizzard

[John V]

thank you for the warning Mr Bizzard, I get easily confussed at my age and a shock could be very bad for me

[patty-ann]

Dear Patty-ann of ???,

 

All legal provided the fish are issued with a section 21 notice asking them to leave.

Thank you very much for your consideration in answering this weighty matter I shall contact the relevant authorities to persuade them to issue me with some blankety blank section 21 forms that I can attach to said traffic cones that are not complying with rules.

I can then retrieve and refurbish thus providing myself with a source of income.

I, myself have no need for loud hailer..us females are blessed with capability of making ourselves heard and as for hearing, having been mum to 4 thats passable..they didn't get away with sneaking in at all hours.

signed

not so puzzled Patty of.........

[bizzard]

Dear Mr Bizzard

Thank you most kindly for your latest pearls of wisdom bestowed on the unworthy such as me.

I am relieved to see/hear you have found a potential source of income/use for the many sad discarded traffic cones that keep Freddy fish company down below....however if said traffic cones are being utilised as a home for Freddy Fish would we be making them homeless? Is this allowed? Should we issue an eviction notice before taking away their shelter?

Signed

Puzzled Patty

Dear patty-ann. It is with the greatest of pleasure that I present to you and indeed to the whole wide world (free of charge), this my most wonderful invention to date. The fish will have to be evicted from the cones I'm afraid, by court order if necessary, but will be found alternative accommodation by the HTCFS, (Help the coneless fish society@fin.org)

[Beaker]

The fish will have to be evicted from the cones I'm afraid, by court order if necessary, but will be found alternative accommodation by the HTCFS, (Help the coneless fish society@fin.org)

 

Let's hope they don't fall prey to loan sharks!

[bizzard]

 

Let's hope they don't fall prey to loan sharks!

Indeed lets hope so, but I fear fishermans b.....dy hooks might nobble them first.