This was too good to pass up. I just had to register!
So, without wishing to comment on the man himself, and only on the culture of managementese bull, I present a simple (and slightly buggy, but it is gone 3am) translator to plain English:
#! /usr/bin/env perl
use strict;
use warnings;
my %dictionary = ('action orientated' => 'person who dives straight in without understanding the situation first',
'dynamic' => 'stressed',
'people leader' => 'unqualified, unskilled middle management drone',
'innovation' => 'tendency to reinvent wheels',
'cross-functional' => 'directionless and unskilled',
'team player' => 'buck-passer',
'influence and engage' => 'bribe and corrupt',
'results driven' => "I don't care who gets hurt as long as I look good",
'robust experience of delivering' => 'ability to get other people to do my work for me',
'complex business transformation program.s' => "things I don't really understand",
'drive efficiencies' => 'outsource',
'colleague engagement' => 'support local pubs through my expense account',
'exceptional customer experience' => 'tendency to arselick my way out of problems',
'in house teams' => 'projects to decide on the colour of a new logo',
'building strong business partnerships' => 'outsourcing the actual design',
'motivated' => 'expensive',
'self.starter' => 'but otherwise average employee',
'thrives.on' => 'sometimes',
'outstanding' => 'mediocre',
);
while (my $line = <>) {
chomp($line);
for my $bull (keys(%dictionary)) {
$line =~ s/$bull/$dictionary{$bull}/gi;
$line =~ s/\ba\b([aeiou])/an $1/gi;
$line =~ s/\ban\b([^aeiou])/a $1/gi;
}
print "$line\n";
}Running that with the given managementese yields:
a person who dives straight in without understanding the situation first and stressed unqualified, unskilled middle management drone whose drive, commitment and tendency to reinvent wheels has led to a exceptional career within the customer and operations sectors. A proven track record as a directionless and unskilled buck-passer, with the ability to bribe and corrupt at all levels. I don't care who gets hurt as long as I look good, with a ability to get other people to do my work for me on things I don't really understand to outsource, profit, support local pubs through my expense account and a tendency to arselick my way out of problems. Leading projects to decide on the colour of a new logo and outsourcing the actual design as a stressed, expensive but otherwise average employee, who sometimes delivering mediocre results under pressure, in challenging competitive and customer environments.