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davidc

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Everything posted by davidc

  1. There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn. "It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"
  2. A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. ... Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
  3. Have to say it cost just short of 2 million pounds to lift the gateshead millennium bridge in over the tyne . can.t see a concrete bridge on land coming anywhere near that.
  4. Good Blog hope to see you some time on the cut
  5. up past great haywood there is also one going in front of planning committee shortly. http://www.staffordshirenewsletter.co.uk/Plans-marina-near-Hixon-return-Stafford-Borough/story-28072791-detail/story.html but there is a lot of local opposition
  6. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was headi...ng straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
  7. In the light of recent police announcements that they no longer consider it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries I have taken down the St. George's flag from beside the house and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door. We've disconnected our home alarm system and quit our Neighbourhood Watch. I've bought two Syrian flags on eBay and raised them in the front garden, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the centre. Now the local police, CID, MI5, SAS and other UK Counter Terrorism agencies are all watching the house 24/7. We've never felt safer and we're saving £24.95 a month!
  8. An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool' Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) Horse: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.' Kiwi: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar..'
  9. Random Thoughts As We Age The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller! Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet! I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks! I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off! Old age is coming at a really bad time! Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap! I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper! If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no".....which is shorter than "yes". I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week. When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ??? Even duct tape can't fix stupid ........ but it can muffle the sound! Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice! Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud? At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. And, of course… Have I sent this to you already or did you send this to me?
  10. I think that's the grand union stafford and worcester runs north of wolverhampton But I am sure some one will be along yo correct us
  11. might be able to make it what moorings is that and I take it birmingham main line
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