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It's quite distressing getting fish bones stuck in yer throat. It happened once to the Queens mum at Balmoral, I bet the chef got slapped around the face with a wet Herring, tortured on the rack and sacked for not filleting the Royal fish properly, I think it was Halibut. So lets get on with the homemade Fishbone trap and food mincer specially intended to trap bony fish bones like Kipper bones. Procure an old tea strainer of the gauze mesh type, not the pressed metal type with holes punched in. Cut the handle off. With a pointed tool, poke bigger holes in the mesh, about 1mm in size. Now squeeze it about in your hands to make it nice and supple. The next step is to open yer gob and insert the device between your teeth ''if you've got any'' and tonsils, or where your tonsils were until you had em out. Insert the device in there cup side outwards. All quite simple. To test the device fry up a fresh Herring or Kipper or even boil in the bag Kippers which still have nasty little bones in, and pop a morsel into your mouth, bones and all, no need to chew it or spit bones out, but just suck it all up into the tea strainer, then close your mouth tight, put a peg on your nose and adopt a sort of sucking in, gulping-swallowing and heaving performance. This will suck the fishes flesh through the tea strainer to pop out extruded through the other side, ready chewed and ready to swallow leaving all those nasty bones trapped in the strainer. Your teeth won't wear out with knashing anymore either as the food is extruded and minced by passing through the strainer. As the title also implies,''Ideal for toothless people''. So after your bony fish meal ''or any meal really'' remove the peg from nose, remove the special strainer from your throat, empty the bones in the bin and wash it ready for next time. Bon appyteeth. Next time I shall explain how to eat Cream Crackers without them shattering into fragments all over floor, for those folk with only one or two staggered teeth left or a jumbled uneven array of teeth that resemble a Stepney bomb site.