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The Joke Thread (Friday and Every Day)

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The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water..


A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent
says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."


In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth", says the old man.

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In a class the professor hates mobile phones ringing, so he instructs that if anyone's mobile phone rings, they should answer it, but put the phone on speakerphone.... 

 

 

  • Greenie 3

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Three women go to see a psychoanalyst about their obsessions.

The analyst says to the first I can see you are obsessed with sweets.

How do you know that the woman asks, the analyst answers because you have called your daughter Candy.

He says to the second woman I can see you are obsessed with money.

How do you know that the second woman asks. Easy says the analyst as you have called your son Lucre.

The third woman turns to her son and says com'on Richard we'd better leave.

Edited by Ray T
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Teacher: “If I gave you three dogs and another three dogs and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Nine.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you three dogs,and another three dogs and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Nine.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you three bananas, and another three bananas and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Eight.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you three dogs,and another three dogs and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Nine!”

Teacher: “Dustin, where in the heck do you get nine from?!”

Dustin: “Because I’ve already got a bloody dog!”

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Better than a Flu JAB!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,  was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glas bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,' I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

  • Haha 2

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Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised it’s the Bee Side"

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I just am always amazed at how we (humans) decide what's good to eat but what's gross. It's like the joke about the guy who went into the diner:


Guest: "What's the special today?"
Waitress: "Beef tongue."
Guest: "Oh Gross! I could never eat something that came out of a cow's mouth! Just bring me a couple of scrambled eggs."

  • Haha 1

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Just received an email from a wealthy Nigerian Prince. He told me that he doesn’t have any fortune to share with me at the moment but he would appreciate if I could let him know before May 25th if I wish to continue receiving emails.

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I visited our local psychiatric hospital the other day and asked the doctor how did he check that a person needed to be admitted.

Oh! he said that's easy.

 

We fill the bath with water and give them a tea spoon, a cup and a jug and ask them to empty the bath.

Ah! I said so the sane ones will choose the jug to do it faster.

 

No said the doctor - they would just pull the plug out - would you like a bed by the window?

 

Are you going to pass on this one or will you have the bed alongside me?

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Not a Joke but an amusing anecdote from the past . Two American tourists off a cruise boat were standing on the beachfront of Durban , South Africa . They were discussing which ocean they were looking at, unable to agree.  One sure it was The Indian ocean, the other equally certain it was the Atlantic . To settle the issue they asked a local.

" Hey man is this the Atlantic or the Indian ocean ?"   " Ah no boss, Indian ocean 200 meters further down, this European Ocean !"

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8 minutes ago, pomkitanner said:

Not a Joke but an amusing anecdote from the past . Two American tourists off a cruise boat were standing on the beachfront of Durban , South Africa . They were discussing which ocean they were looking at, unable to agree.  One sure it was The Indian ocean, the other equally certain it was the Atlantic . To settle the issue they asked a local.

" Hey man is this the Atlantic or the Indian ocean ?"   " Ah no boss, Indian ocean 200 meters further down, this European Ocean !"

It might have been more understandable had it been based in Cape Town rather than Durban,

 

1) Durban doesn't have visiting tour boats

2) Cape town is the 'junction' between the Indian Ocean and the Atlantic

 

In a previous life I was responsible for our products in Europe - and - like many International companies South Africa is considered to be in Europe. I had sales offices in Durban, Port Elizabeth and cape Town with a manufacturing facility in Jo'Berg.

In the 'early 80's I wanted to move out there but SWMBO was reluctant due to the political situation.

 

Happy times.

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1) Durban doesn't have visiting tour boats

 

It may not have cruise boats visiting these days but they certainly did in the late 60's during the era of the above . I witnessed more than a few including the maiden world voyage of QE2. The whole town turned out to celebrate .  My geography is not so poor that that I am unaware of where the 2 oceans meet, however the whole point of the story is that the tourists evidently were .

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40 minutes ago, Alan de Enfield said:

It might have been more understandable had it been based in Cape Town rather than Durban,

 

1) Durban doesn't have visiting tour boats

2) Cape town is the 'junction' between the Indian Ocean and the Atlantic

 

In a previous life I was responsible for our products in Europe - and - like many International companies South Africa is considered to be in Europe. I had sales offices in Durban, Port Elizabeth and cape Town with a manufacturing facility in Jo'Berg.

In the 'early 80's I wanted to move out there but SWMBO was reluctant due to the political situation.

 

Happy times.

 

You haven't been reading this, have you, Alan? http://jaysondbradley.com/2014/07/07/4-ways-to-ruin-a-perfectly-good-joke-on-social-media/

Anyway, obligatory joke: A South African friend told me he'd bought me a Kindle for my birthday. I thought that quite generous, but then he said it would come in handy for the power cuts.

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A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, up there, "We're using it as a ceiling fan.

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. 
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

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2 hours ago, Alan de Enfield said:

I have listed below all of the ways of winning an argument against a woman :

 

The most important thing is not 'who's right' but rather 'what's right'

 

Gosh, does this really work?

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14 hours ago, Mac of Cygnet said:

 

Gosh, does this really work?

I think he meant to say "yes, dear", which is not the same as winning the argument, but is the only way of ending one without making things worse. :)

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Best way to win is not to start one and just say yes dear when asked a to do something.

The wife reckon's that men’s toilets are always on the left and woman’s toilets are on the right because they are always right.

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20 hours ago, Sea Dog said:

I think he meant to say "yes, dear", which is not the same as winning the argument, but is the only way of ending one without making things worse. :)

I can think of a few questions where "yes dear" would be the worst possible answer

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If your response was anything other than "Yes dear" and was followed by a sharp "What ?"  It is not because she didn't hear you, but an opportunity to retract your recent comment and come up with a more appropriate answer .

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