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The Joke Thread (Friday and Every Day)

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A white supremacist, a pervert and a xenophobe walk into a bar. The barman says "What'll it be, Mr Trump?"

On 7/2/2017 at 10:27, Mac of Cygnet said:

An optimist sees his glass half full, a pessimist half empty, but a chemist sees it full to the brim, half with beer and half with air.

And an engineer sees a glass twice as big as it needs to be.

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A Service Man returned from being posted overseas for 2 years to be greeted by his wife and 2 year old child.

Not being too clever medically he asks his Doctor if such long pregnancies are possible, to which the Doctor replies that they are commonly known as " Grudge Pregnancies " someone has had it in for you while you were away !"

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Never mind.

I told the doctor today that I'd had a very nasty reaction with the piles ointment he gave me.

"Oh dear" he says "Where exactly did you apply it?"

"In Marks & Spencer's", I says.

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On 02/07/2017 at 10:27, Mac of Cygnet said:

Ha! Good to see the Friday joke back, and with a chemical joke!

An optimist sees his glass half full, a pessimist half empty, but a chemist sees it full to the brim, half with beer and half with air.

and a surrealist sees the air in the bottom half of the glass

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The  blonde flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

”Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger onboard, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.”

 

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One”...

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My wife and I went to the cattle auction the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

 


My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, Michael O’Leary, went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. 

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary." 

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. 

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England". 

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments. 

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please." 

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. 

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1." 

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please". 

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". 

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir". 

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3." 

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". 

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please." 

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" 

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary." 

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" 

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof". 

"I will never use this bar again". 

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

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I just discovered my age group! I'm a Seenager. (Senior teenager) thats what my grandchildren now call me! Or funny grandad! Am I missing something here? And I don't mean marbles! 

 I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.

 I don't have to go to school or work

 I get my pension every month.

 I have my own home to live in.

 I don't have to comply with a curfew.

 I have a driver's licence and my own car.

 I have ID if necessary that gets me into bars, off licences or clubs. 

 The Friends I hang around with are not scared of insults. They aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared?

 Life is Good!

 Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager.

 Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

 People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains.

 Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

 Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. This is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

 I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. If you recall them for me please pass my best wishes too! 

 Take care, keep young, keep well.

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I thought this was funny, not a proper joke as such but pertinent to the one above.

I recently noticed that the car in front of me was missing a rear light so when he pulled into the car park of the local library I followed him in to tell him..

The car park was empty as it was the weekend so I was able to pull up to him driver door to driver door. When I told him in a neighborly way he just shrugged his shoulders and said " I'm a retiree ".

Being one myself I was a bit gob smacked as I don't feel that surviving into maturity gives us any special privilege on the road.

Didn't bother expressing my views, just shook my head and went about my own business.

 

 

 

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Too many non-jokes here.  However, keeping to the subject:

The world's oldest man has died.  Again.  This is beginning to look suspicious.

Regular naps prevent ageing.  Especially if taken while driving.

I prefer older women - they've learned to accept life's disappointments.  Which means they're ready for me.

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5 hours ago, timbouy said:

 he just shrugged his shoulders and said " I'm a retiree ".

 

 

 

 

So after the football match has finished he's going to fix the light.

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7 minutes ago, Athy said:

'oo?

There are three thing happen as one gets older, first the memory starts to go..............and I can't remember the other two.

 

 

Just continuing the theme.........

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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy.

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Hugh Heffner:-

 

Police investigating the Playboy founder's death, suspect foreplay


Singlehandedly responsible for so many young men doing things singlehandedly!

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A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest garage, pulls up with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

 

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

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THE BREXIT GOLF CLUB


Mr Dave Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier,
the membership secretary sees him.
"Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer
renewing your club membership, if you would like to come to my office we can
settle your account".
"I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis..
"Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need
settlement"
In Mr Barnier's office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so
wonders what else can he possibly owe the Golf Club? "Well Mr Davis" begins
Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".
"Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it
yet". "As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the
full amount".
"That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a
club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!
"But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.
"Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket. "There is also
your bar bill".
"But I've already settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis. "Yes" says Mr Barnier,
"but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in
advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked".. "You regularly used to
spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the
brewery accordingly for the coming year". "You therefore owe us £2600 for
the year".
"Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis. "No of course
not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier.
"Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier. "In the same manner we
have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers". "Your
average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require
payment of £3600 for the next year".
"I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either" asks Mr
Davis.
"No, of course not" says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club
member!"
"Then of course" Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse
roof".
"Clubhouse roof" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

"Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next
week", your share of the bill is £2000".

"I see" says Mr Davis, "anything else?".
"Now you mention it" says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension".
"We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires
next month". "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for
payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it". "This
brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier. 
"Let me get this straight" says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a
jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and
£3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed
under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!" 
"Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.
"Piss off!" says Mr Davis as he walks out of the Club...


Now we understand what Brexit is all about!!!!!

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