How Not To Paint Your Own Boat: A Step-By-Step Guide.

[Starcoaster]

1. Wake up one morning in March and think, “painting the boat! Epic idea, and I’ve got that long weekend in April.”

 

2. Decide on a complex and highly convoluted colour scheme that involves lots of panels, coachlines, stripes and contrasts, because that dude in the marina did his boat last year and it looks awesome.

 

3. Buy tins of paint, brushes and sheets of sandpaper, optimistically congratulate yourself for being ready to start as soon as the long weekend in April comes around.

 

4. Eye up the outside of boat appraisingly every couple of days, thinking about how that rust will just sand right off and how easy it’ll be to follow the existing coachlines.

 

5. Tell everyone you’re painting the boat next month, and stand basking in their impressed if slightly sceptical mutterings.

 

6. Get advice from ten different people on how to go about it. Wonder at the maths that says ten people times boat painting advice = 15 answers.

 

7. Realise you might have been over optimistic in your belief that you could just wave a bit of sandpaper at the rust and slap some gloss on top. Buy paint scraper, Fertan and undercoat.

 

8. Nod sagely at your foresight in realising the potential problems with your original idea, draw out running order of how painting will go and how simple it all seems now that you are so much wiser.

 

9. Eagerly await long weekend in April. Should be able to get the bulk of it done over the three days, right?

 

10. Long weekend in April dawns to torrential rain, biblical flooding and tornado-style winds. Keep picking up paint scraper at every break in the weather, put it down again muttering angrily. Read the forum for a bit instead.

 

11. End of April. Scowl at people who ask how the boat painting is going, while your tins of paint and new brushes collect dust.

 

12. Mid May. OMG! Sunshine! Paint all of the things!

 

13. Figure you can sand and undercoat at least the roof and one side in one day, get to work.

 

14. End an eight hour day of blood, sweat, rust and tears with one gunnel just about acceptable enough to put undercoat on.

 

15. Wait two weeks for the next break in the weather.

 

16. Scrape, sand and generally beat the crap out of the boat, until it’s no longer fighting and all of the rust and remaining paint is cowering in fear.

 

17. AWESOME! Now you can do the undercoat. It’s a bit grubby from all of the shed rust though, so hire a pressure washer to clean it up with first.

 

18. Have an amazing time playing with the pressure washer, then aim it at the sanded, smooth keyed paint remaining after you prepped it.

 

19. Watch in abject horror as the pressure washer lifts whole strips of previously stuck fast paint off in layers.

 

20. Spend a long time crying in self pity, then even longer drinking the pain away.

 

21. Re-sand and prep the worst parts.

 

22. Re-pressure wash now that you are absolutely positively certain that there is NO loose paint left to come off.

 

23. Repeat points 20 through 22 a couple more times, before deciding that you’re never going near a pressure washer again and you’re just fecking well painting it now, regardless.

 

24. Undercoat boat to within an inch of its life. Smile tightly at passing boats that all, to a man, say either “you’ve missed a bit!” or “you can do mine next!”

 

25. Wake up following weekend planning to put on first layer of gloss. Observe undercoat isn’t actually dry, and really, should it be both the thickness and consistency of chewing gum?

 

26. Survey says “no.”

 

27. Wait another week for the undercoat to become more putty than chewing gum. Decide to paint over it anyway. Know that this is Incorrect but stick fingers in ears and hum, studiously avoiding eye contact with anyone who looks more closely.

 

28. Wonder how in the name of all that is good and holy you’re supposed to paint the underneath of the handrails, when however convinced you are that you’ve covered them, they are still clearly not done from certain angles.

 

29. Realise how shitey the roof looks due to your painting technique best being comparable (unfavourably) to a finger painting toddler, resolve to do better on the rest.

 

30. Paint sides and gunnels with surprising ease, due to surface being less pizza-like than the roof.

 

31. Measure out in precise distances how far the average person with reasonable eyesight has to be from the boat to miss the shocking workmanship and flaws, address areas that particularly stand out from eight feet away in dim light with no glasses.

 

32. Wonder why two weeks later there are still very slightly tacky patches of wrinkled paint on the roof that appear to be at least a couple of mm deep. See the light that paint shouldn’t be slapped on at the same consistency as glue. Too late.

 

33. Cover roof in plants and solar panels, then half-heartedly sand back and re-paint any areas not now covered in boat tat.

 

34. Decide against the painting in of panels and contrasting colours, start secretly wondering how ashamed of yourself you will be if you get vinyl stick-on coachlines.

 

35. Try masking up a tiny bit of coachline to paint. Observe result. Decide, not that ashamed of vinyl at all, actually.

 

36. Buy vinyl coachlines, apply, stand in shock at how well they worked out. Start eyeing up particularly bad patches of paint, wonder what else comes in vinyl that can be stuck on to cover it.

 

37. Acquire set of stick-on decals, apply artistically to various points on the bow and front of the boat where the paint is the worst.

 

38. Realise this actually looks ten times worse, but oh well, they’re there now.

 

39. Lose will to live and become increasingly frustrated at how however many times you undercoat and then paint contact areas (such as where the cover goes on or where the mooring line passes over the bow) and leave them to dry, the paint just rubs right off within days.

 

40. Decide to concentrate on the tiller, because it looks shocking and an elaborately painted tiller will really draw the eye.

 

41. Use all acquired wisdom of paint prepping, thickness of paint and technique to paint fracking AWESOME stripes on the tiller that impress even your neighbours, in the middle of the driest week of the year so far.

 

42. Hear rain two hours later. Learn what paint “blooming” is. Consider getting tree branch and going a bit Basil Fawlty on it.

 

43. Run out of ideas as to how to reach and prep/paint the tunnel bands. Leave the job there for a considerable amount of time, while “thinking.”

 

44. Decide you’ll actually just black up to the gunnels. One day. No, it still has not been done.

Edited July 29, 2013 by Starcoaster

[Kae]

Beautifully worded and amusingly accurate as always!

[RLWP]

I wondered what you had been up to

 

You are now qualified to moor up next to Tawny Owl. We can compare vinyl coach lines together (standard Alvechurch issue), and compare how wrinkly the paint is on your roof and our roof hatches. Bet ours are worse

 

I too like to slap a good coat on - I'm slowly learning not to

 

Richard

Edited July 29, 2013 by RLWP

[Grace and Favour]

Starry - - - - - - -

 

Thank you - - - - - -

 

[Captain Fizz]

That was a much better read than the Council Tax rant!!

[Suzie_q]

Greenie

[Greedyheron]

So so true, I have been following the same steps since march- with the minor addition- fit new oak window frames and varnish, scrape varnish off paint work, repaint area around windows, scrape paint off window frames, varnish window frames and repeat and repeat.

That power washer is coming no where near my boat!

[loubyscooby]

Starry, brill as usual. You really should put all these "lists" in a book - I'd buy it

[ChimneyChain]

You've Obviously got far too much time on your hands.

 

Darren

[scrunch]

How accurate is that been there, watched the video on you tube it looked so easy tried it and failed lol

[Kwacker]

Thank you for giving me a "cut and paste" list of reasons for not doing mine.

[Jigsawged]

Brilliant job starcoaster! Not had a laugh like that for eons - Greenie

[Kate and James]

Fantastic!
The worst painting experience I've had was when we painted the back room in the house... before all the plaster had totally dried.

That meant I spent days with a razor blade scrapeing it all off as so many patches had appeared and started to bubble off the walls.
You have my symapthy.
I bet it looks a lot better than you think, don't forget that as you did it you can see all the flaws, other people wont notice!

[dave moore]

You paint a perfect picture of the DIY repaint scenario. It highlights the reasons that professionals work under cover and take several weeks to do the job. After a lifetime around boats ( well,l since a teenager - a sixtysomething now who's worked in the business for a long time) I've concluded that sod's law never bites harder and deeper than on anything to do with boats. Good luck with the rest of it!!

 

Cheers

 

Dave

[Ray T]

Starry, brilliant as ever.

[Leni]

Brilliant! But rather frightening as my son has been planning to do our boat this summer! I may have to print out and show him your list, Starry

[scrunch]

I did mine last year, now whenever someone who hasnt seen my boat before, I say just needs painting, No one yet has said why it looks alright

[Dottyshirl]

Great post thanks for the giggle x

Edited to add I've been googling vinyl stickers and paint parfffffff ooops

Edited July 29, 2013 by Dottyshirl

[Leni]

PS Are there pictures? Would love to see the 'Before' and 'After' if possible!

[kitman]

Thoroughly entertaining!

 

I particularly enjoyed point 24 as it is very true. Can't people think of something original to say??!

[Pykebird]

Starry, just what bush were u hiding under when Tree and I attacked my boat????

I feel sooo much better knowing it is not just me that had these thoughts. In fact you are ahead of me, I am still waiting for new tiler to be made, and decided to dazzle with the brightness of colour to avert the eye from the quality!

[Québec]

Brilliant! Thank youl

We're still laughing....as that is just SOOO familiar...right down to the crappy roof paint.

Just wait till you decide to do your own sign writing!

(We did, and were very pleased with the painstakingly first time result....until we really stepped back to have a look and realised the angle was slightly but ever so irritatingly 'out'. So we repainted the entire panel, several times to cover the traces of the lettering - which is still visible - and so it remains two years later. A blank panel).

[luctor et emergo]

How to paint a boat?

 

Buy really good paint, when on cheap offers. You may have to compromise on the colour you paint your boat.

 

Buy cheap brushes. Not crap cat hair brushes, but cheap brushes.

 

Wash boat down.

 

Paint boat.

 

Stand back and admire.

 

 

International Paint is superb, and covers a multitude of sins. And doesn't turn you into a nervous wreck anytime another boat gets within 20 feet.

[StarUKKiwi]

ROFLMAO Brilliant Star!! Ours has been repainted but note to self to read this befor attempting anything in the future (did I say I am married to a former ship painter!)

[jenlyn]

Just saw a pic of it on fb. Looks great.