Jump to content

How to make coffee on a boat

Starcoaster

By Starcoaster
in General Boating

 Share

Featured Posts

  • Popular Post
Starcoaster Veteran

Starcoaster

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

1. Consider if you might perhaps not prefer a glass of coke, decide against. Put the coffee in the pot, and prepare spoon, sugar and mug.

 

2. Put on sensibly soled shoes, climb off the boat, walk round to the front cratch, retrieve cream from the ‘cool box,’ return inside, remove sensible shoes and put slippers back on.

 

3. Turn on system water, attempt to fill kettle.

 

4. Are you sure you wouldn’t really rather have a glass of coke?

 

5. Put on sensibly soled shoes, climb off the boat, attach hose pipe to tap, climb onto front of boat, fill water tank, return inside, remove sensible shoes and put slippers back on.

 

6. Fill kettle.

 

7. Turn on hob, light gas, place kettle on to boil.

 

8. Play on the internet for ten minutes while kettle boils.

 

9. Glance at hob after 15 minutes when it occurs to you that the kettle has not started to whistle yet- Get up and check why there’s no flame on the gas ring.

 

10. Turn gas ring on and off a couple of times, thinking of the fact you’ve been smelling that ‘end of gas bottle’ smell for a few days now and wilfully ignoring it.

 

11. Curse gas ring, kettle, cold water, the cost of bottled gas, and your own lack of foresight at replacing the empty spare bottle yesterday when it occurred to you.

 

12. Bet that glass of coke’s looking pretty good right about now, no?

 

13. Put on sensibly soled shoes, go onto stern deck, and heave the unconnected spare but empty bottle out of locker, put on pontoon.

 

14. Unfold wheely trolley that’s been good for the whole winter at carrying the cassette, 25kg bags of coal and all your rubbish with room to spare, and realise right away that gas bottle is too big to fit into it.

 

15. Wander down pontoon to boat that always has a wheel barrow in its well deck, knock and ask to borrow it.

 

16. Dither for five minutes wondering if they’d mind if you borrowed it anyway as they’re clearly not in and would very likely not mind at all.

 

17. Can I interest you in a glass of coke?

 

18. Decide to err on the side of caution and leave wheelbarrow where it is, pick up empty 13kg bottle and carrydragpushcurse it the ten minute walk to the marina office.

 

19. Return empty gas bottle, buy new one, put it in communal usage office wheelbarrow, start trip back.

 

20. Curse the wheelbarrow, its forbearers, its future offspring, and whoever used it last and neglected to mention to the office that the tyre is as flat as a pancake.

 

21. Push Satan’s wheelbarrow the ten minute walk back to the boat.

 

22. Try to control facial expression when running into the owner of the aforementioned privately owned wheelbarrow who is now on her boat and merrily calls out to you “oh that one from the office is awful, you should have just taken mine!”

 

23. Unloaded heavy-arsed full gas bottle from Satan’s wheelbarrow, wheel Satan’s wheelbarrow back to the marina office. Walk back to boat.

 

24. Turn on deck light, fight heavy-arsed full gas bottle into the (above deck level) gas locker, bang head on gear lever, think again about relative merits of a glass of coke.

 

25. Turn open/ close dial on empty- but connected- gas bottle in order to remove it.

 

26. Look askew at connected valve, vaguely remember being told when shown how to change the bottle a few weeks ago that you don’t have the correct spanner for it. Remember thinking to self back in the mists of time ‘I must buy one of those’ and curse self, repeatedly and with some colour.

 

27. Dig in tool kit for the spanners you do have, try all three of them, Get mightily pissed off.

 

28. Walk to neighbouring boat, acquire loan of appropriate spanner.

 

29. Smile in short- lived satisfaction at comfortable fit of the correct spanner, try to turn nut.

 

30. Frown a little bit, vaguely remember being told that ‘something’ on the boat needs turning the opposite way to normal nuts and bolts, try both ways repeatedly without success.

 

31. Climb back onto boat, remove sensibly soled shoes, boot up laptop.

 

32. Search YouTube for video guidance of how to change a gas bottle.

 

33. Source eight minute clip called “how to change a gas bottle,” sit down to watch.

 

34. Buffering...

 

35. Buffering...

 

36. Skip through first few steps as they are all about manual handling and have feck all to do with changing a gas bottle.

 

37. Buffering...

 

38. At 7 minutes 33 seconds into the eight minute video, blink and miss five second clip where the guy disconnects the empty bottle. Rewind, watch again, be assured of correct direction to turn spanner.

 

39. Put sensibly soled shoes back on, climb back out to gas locker, attach spanner and give it some welly. Call self various unflattering names and resolve to work on some wrist strengthening exercises.

 

40. Look at clock, observe it’s ten to five. Hover at back of boat for ten minutes, wait for one of the marina fixy men who finish work at 5pm to walk past and flag them down.

 

41. 5.05pm, Bat eyelids at unimpressed marina fixy man who good naturedly agrees to help remove the stuck fast, impossible to remove, tighter than a duck’s arse valve release, and indeed manages to do so in under three seconds.

 

42. Tell marina fixy man to ‘ask another day’ when he queries in passing how you are liking living on a boat so far.

 

43. Finally connect up new bottle.

 

44. Return borrowed spanner.

 

45. Try to light gas ring. Lose will to live.

 

46. Remember turning off all the internal gas line switch thingies at the advice of the earlier YouTube video, turn them back on again. Finally ignite gas. HALLELUJAH!

 

47. Realise how much fecking hard work this whole procedure was and how much running around it entailed. Realise that you are actually quite dehydrated now and don’t really fancy a hot drink.

 

48. Get glass of coke.

  • Greenie 19
Link to comment
Share on other sites
tillergirl Experienced

tillergirl

Posted
Posted

"Satan's wheelbarrow" :lol: :lol: :lol: I'm crying with laughter!

 

Starry, you've missed your true vocation! You should be a professional writer! :cheers:

 

No - stand up comedian..........perhaps your friendly boilerman could put you forward for BGT next year.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
alan_fincher Veteran II

alan_fincher

Posted
Posted

Trust me, the solution that requires a solid fuel cabin range to be hot enough to boil the water, (and where the only water you might have is in a portable container that should contain water, but often doesn't), doesn't actually make for a faster cup of coffee than your method.

 

I do think I enjoy them more, when so much effort has gone into their production, though.

 

p.s. I hate Coca Cola, so not an option!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest wanted

Guest wanted

Posted
Posted

You should write those living afloat guides for RBOA, because no one, but no one tells it how it is like you do.

Agreed! You always hit the nail on the head. So, how about it? Starry's real guide to boat life?

 

Said wanted, who has taken his boat and his neighbours cassette over to the pump out, changed his and his neighbours gas bottle, filled his water tank and is embarking on operation clean up before friends visit tomorrow.

 

I will have a glass of coke please!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
MtB Veteran II

MtBDonate to Canal World

Posted
Posted

I have to own up, it was ME who changed the last gas bottle and tightened the regulator up so tight.

 

BUT.... in my own defence I'd say I initially did it up as tight as usual using my own top kwality adjustable plumbers' spanner. And then I loosened it a little thinking Starry would need to get it off again herself with whatever miserable apology for a spanner the mreena office was likely to palm off on her when she went to buy her own.

 

Silly mee for not anticipating the eventual true sequence of events :D

 

Duly greenied!

 

I lurve Coke!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Chertsey Veteran

Chertsey

Posted
Posted

Trust me, the solution that requires a solid fuel cabin range to be hot enough to boil the water, (and where the only water you might have is in a portable container that should contain water, but often doesn't), doesn't actually make for a faster cup of coffee than your method.

 

I do think I enjoy them more, when so much effort has gone into their production, though.

 

p.s. I hate Coca Cola, so not an option!

That's easy, you light it at the bottom of the Wolverhampton 21, and it's nearly ready by the time you get to the top!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
alan_fincher Veteran II

alan_fincher

Posted
Posted

That's easy, you light it at the bottom of the Wolverhampton 21, and it's nearly ready by the time you get to the top!

It would easily have been ready if we had gone up at our normal pace! It's only because you sped us along it wasn't ready yet!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Starcoaster Veteran

Starcoaster

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I have to own up, it was ME who changed the last gas bottle and tightened the regulator up so tight.

 

BUT.... in my own defence I'd say I initially did it up as tight as usual using my own top kwality adjustable plumbers' spanner. And then I loosened it a little thinking Starry would need to get it off again herself with whatever miserable apology for a spanner the mreena office was likely to palm off on her when she went to buy her own.

 

Silly mee for not anticipating the eventual true sequence of events :D

 

Duly greenied!

 

I lurve Coke!

 

I didn't name you in my list, but I was certainly 'naming' you when I couldn't get the effing thing off! :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.