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The things that nobody thinks to tell you...


Starcoaster

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Some great examples of the 'cross eyed imbecile but madly grinning' theory, can be found in my gallery from the day I collected the boat. I'm not proud! :lol: And hey, at least with appalling pictures, there's a fighting chance that anyone whom I later meet in person is going to be pleasantly surprised even if I only manage to come across as vaguely normal. :D Much less to live up to!

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yes yes yes , isn't it strange how people think you are mad if you speak to them in the street.

 

Quite. :rolleyes:

 

But here in Audlem you have the best of both worlds. People who always wave as you cruise past on the boat, together with people from all walks of life (and age) who are happy to engage in conversation in the street too!

 

It's like going back to so many decades where folk were happy to take time out and chat a while.

 

We love it here! :wub:

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A little list I made earlier on when I had some time on my hands and was feeling ponderful, about all of the little things that I have discovered and learnt since moving on board!

 

 

1. All of your clothes will smell faintly of ‘real fire’ or coal, regardless of how recently you washed them. Initially this is an inconvenience but eventually you come to rather like it.

 

2. If you own any white, cream, or pastel coloured clothes, they will soon take on odd black smudges, regardless of how careful you are about keeping them away from the stove, hod, or anything else coal related. This remains as an inconvenience and does not fade.

 

3. When visiting another boater, it is uncouth to ask to their toilet, unless you are at least a fifteen minute walk from another toilet facility (for women) or a wooded area/ bush (for men.)

 

4. If you have boater visitors over for more than four hours at a time, you will find yourself spending the latter half of their visit thinking that surely they must need to pee soon/ is your bathroom so nasty that they are too scared to want to use it/ how much more tea can you ply them with as a kind of pseudo-scientific experiment, just to see what they’ll do in an emergency.

 

5. Visits from other boaters will seldom exceed four hours without them either departing/ needing to go back to their boat for a minute/ having to ‘pop back to the car for something,’ see point four.

 

6. ‘Townies’ fill gaps in conversation by talking about the weather. ‘Boaties’ fill gaps in conversation by talking about water levels.

 

7. Pump out or cassette? Oh hells no. Don’t even go there.

 

8. It’s okay to insult a man’s wife, children, career choice, hair, or dress sense. But engines must always be coo’d over and spoken of in hushed approving tones, regardless of their size, condition, or maker. Shhhh! She’ll HEAR YOU!

 

9. If you are expected to go to work in anything approaching smart casual, you have likely got a pair of boots ‘for the journey’ that are generally covered in orange clay- like towpath mud, and also a pair of ‘smart shoes’ that are clean, patent leather, and walk less than ten steps a day. Plus a bag to keep each pair in, separately.

 

10. You become obsessed with what you can convince your stove to burn... Large, unwieldy or inflammable objects of rubbish will all be graded highly, according to your success in convincing the stove to eat them.

 

11. Ecofans. Having an opinion is mandatory. Having ever tried one is not.

 

12. If you have a posh new shiny boat, you are probably king of the marina. Conversely, that may also make you ‘king shit’ and/ or a N00b/ ‘more money than sense joker’ out on the cut.

 

13. ‘Online’ no longer just means that you have internet access, and committing the faux- pas of confusing the two meanings in conversation is verboten.

 

14. Portholes or windows? See point seven.

 

15. It seems perfectly normal to you to have both the stove/ heating going full pelt, and all of the windows open.

 

16. If you can’t manage to have a thorough shower, including shaving your legs, washing and conditioning your hair, and brushing your teeth in under four minutes/ four litres of water, you have failed as a boater and should probably consider moving back onto land.

 

17. Whenever you go to work in an office, visit a friend in a house, or have cause to use a hotel, you need an extra bag to haul along all of the things you want to charge up from their mains while you’re there.

 

18. Irons, microwaves, hairdryers and hoovers are all for posh people.

 

19. You used to own ten big thick jumpers for use in winter. Now you own two big thick jumpers, and a bottle of Febreeze.

 

20. And... You can make ten cubic feet of stuff fit into four cubic feet of space.

 

21. You keep a mop on your roof because everybody else does, but you’re not quite sure why...

 

22. When everyone else on the train home standing up is swaying about and clinging to railings, you are in the middle of it all freestanding, swaying with the flow and not falling down (until you do!)

 

23. Your mailing address is the same as your parents, for the first time since you were 16 years old.

 

24. Rosie and Jim are Bad People.

 

25. You probably started life on your boat with a novelty neckerchief, captain’s hat, pirate bandana, or “I’m on a boat, Mother F***er!” t shirt. By your third week therein, you have experimented with how that burns on the stove (see point 10) and roll your eyes and snort derisively at the fresh faced wannabe’s who have taken your place in committing aforementioned fashion faux-pas.

 

26. You have a beard. This is neither negotiable, nor gender- specific.

 

27. You can answer the question “is it cold on a boat in winter?” sensibly, only a finite number of times, before deciding to mess with people and saying “yes, it’s terrible, I have nearly died of hypothermia twice this year already, and I don’t know how I’m still alive...”

 

28. You thought you’d save money in winter by using the open bow as a fridge/ freezer for your food... Until you realised just how much alcohol you could actually store there if you stacked it all up right.

 

29. Upon hearing ‘man overboard!’ you reach for the camera first, and the life ring second.

 

30. When other people fall in, you are never there to see it/ photograph it. But you know damn well that when YOU fall in, there’ll be a group of Japanese tourists there, immortalising it on film and upping it to YouTube within the hour.

 

31. You can cook and serve a full Sunday roast for four, with less than two square feet of counter space to work on.

 

32. You stop thinking to yourself, “there’s some funny people on the cut” around the same time you realise that you are just like them, actually.

 

33. The 8pm engine/ generator off collective: You’re either with them, or against them.

 

34. You know that you have to disown any of your former friends who are apt to order “a pint of lager, please” in the pub, and you’re okay with that, actually.

 

35. Your hands and nails are NEVER clean, no matter how much you wash them.

 

36. You WILL have some kind of nasty toilet emptying related incident within your first few weeks away from mains plumbing. No one can teach you how to avoid your own personal initiation into boat toilet hell, you’re just going to have to grit your teeth and wait for it to happen.

 

37. When you started out with the boat, you had a little list of about five things that you needed to do/ buy/ sort out. However, due to a phenomenon I like to think of as ‘boat mathematics’ you learn that for every one item you cross off of said list, another two appear.

Three months down the line, your list has about 30 essential and time sensitive things you need on it, and your earnings for the next two to four years are already committed to it. Oh well, spaghetti hoops for dinner again...

 

 

Anyone have any they'd like to add?

Thanks for all on your ponder,raised a wry smile. Good innit!

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From my liveaboard friends, after a discussion about clutter:

 

Shortly before moving onto your boat, you will fondly imagine that things will be so much more organised in a smaller space, and you'll never lose things again. After six months of living aboard, you will realise how forlorn was this hope. After twelve months, you will own a remarkable number of duplicate items, which you will justify to yourself by saying they are "in case the other one falls into the the cut". No amount of duress will force you to admit the real reason you have four nail clippers, three balls of string and eight pairs of chopsticks.

  • Greenie 3
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From my liveaboard friends, after a discussion about clutter:

 

Shortly before moving onto your boat, you will fondly imagine that things will be so much more organised in a smaller space, and you'll never lose things again. After six months of living aboard, you will realise how forlorn was this hope. After twelve months, you will own a remarkable number of duplicate items, which you will justify to yourself by saying they are "in case the other one falls into the the cut". No amount of duress will force you to admit the real reason you have four nail clippers, three balls of string and eight pairs of chopsticks.

 

Haha So true! i'm just trying to sort out the boat at the moment giving it a proper spring clean and the amount of stuff i've found that i've bought replacements for is crazy. Now I need to find places for two of everything. :P

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From my liveaboard friends, after a discussion about clutter:

 

Shortly before moving onto your boat, you will fondly imagine that things will be so much more organised in a smaller space, and you'll never lose things again. After six months of living aboard, you will realise how forlorn was this hope. After twelve months, you will own a remarkable number of duplicate items, which you will justify to yourself by saying they are "in case the other one falls into the the cut". No amount of duress will force you to admit the real reason you have four nail clippers, three balls of string and eight pairs of chopsticks.

Ah but it's suprising what you can do with nail clippers, chopsticks and string!!!

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Very funny initial post and subsequent additions....it hasn't put me off buying a boat, but my wife is a bit concerned about all things toilet, oh and shower time... :closedeyes:

 

If I knew how to give you a greenie Starcoaster, I would...

ditto

luv this one thanks mick an tracy :clapping:

Edited by mickntracy
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Ah but it's suprising what you can do with nail clippers, chopsticks and string!!!

 

Spare chopsticks make excellent knitting needles when creating a jumper from any leftover spaghetti :wacko:

 

Now where did I put my medication? :rolleyes:

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the mop is only there for your twirling display, for the tourists...

Nope. The mop should be 'displayed' when the boater on board is looking for a wife/husband.

 

AND. Own up who put this in an email to an 'ex poster' on here in Bucks who then proceded to send it to me in an email???

 

[yes yes yes , isn't it strange how people think you are mad if you speak to them in the street.

 

 

 

 

But rude if you don't speak to them on the cut?

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So true! I was most dismayed when I got a weather app for the ipad and it didn't display wind speed. I need to KNOW this incase I have to fetch my garden chairs back from Picketts Lock in the morning.

Met office app for ipod includes wind speed in mph, kph and beaufort scale and direction

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What do you mean by NOW ? :unsure:

 

I knew that someone would ask that question.

 

Surely, as a regular on here, you will have noticed a more affable atmosphere that now pervades the threads on this forum. And not before time may I add. :cheers:

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Nope. The mop should be 'displayed' when the boater on board is looking for a wife/husband.

 

Are there different ways of displaying the mop if you are:

 

1) looking for your first husband/wife

2) looking for a replacement husband/wife

3) not actively looking but open to trade-in offers?

  • Greenie 1
  • Haha 1
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