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6 hours ago, cuthound said:

My favourite is "Three ha'pence a foot".

And t'other one "Three ha'pence a tin".

 

 

My fathers a lavatory cleaner
He cleans them by day and by night
And when he comes home in the evening
He's covered all over with...


     Shine your buttons with Brasso
     It's only three ha'pence a tin
     You can buy it or whip it from Woolworths
     But I don't think they've got any in.


And when it came round to Christmas
He gave my ma a great fright
For instead of bringing her chocolates
He brought her a box full of...

Some say that he died of a fever
Some say that he died of a fit
But I know very well what he died of
He died of the smell of the...

Some say that he's buried in a graveyard
Some say that he's buried in a pit
But, I know very well what he's buried in
He's buried in six foot of…

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4 minutes ago, cuthound said:

 

"There Sam used to follow his trade,
In a place you'll have heard of called Bury
You know, where black puddings is made."

One day Sam were filling a knot 'ole wi' putty

when in through the door

Came an old chap fair wreathed wi' whiskers

T'old chap said "Good morning, I'm Noah"

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7 minutes ago, Alway Swilby said:

One day Sam were filling a knot 'ole wi' putty

when in through the door

Came an old chap fair wreathed wi' whiskers

T'old chap said "Good morning, I'm Noah"

 

"Sam asked Noah what were his business
And t'old chap went on to remark,
That not liking the look of the weather
He was thinking of building an ark."

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On 11/12/2020 at 15:38, Sea Dog said:

Ok, ok, it has to be done...

 

The Lion and Albert

 

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool

That's noted for fresh air and fun

And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom

Went there with young Albert, their son

A fine little lad were young Albert

All dressed in his best, quite a swell

He'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle;

The finest that Woolworth's could sell

They didn't think much to the ocean

The waves they were piddlin' and small

There were no wrecks and nobody drownded

'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all!

So, seeking for further amusement

They paid, and went into the zoo

Where they'd lions and tigers and camels

And cold ale and sandwiches, too

There were one great big lion called Wallace

Whose nose was all covered with scars;

He lay in a som-no-lent posture

With the side of 'is face on the bars

Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions-

'Ow they was ferocious and wild;

To see lion lyin' so peaceful

Just didn't seem right to the child

So straightway the brave little feller

Not showin' a morsel of fear

Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle

And stuck it in Wallace's ear

You could see that the lion din't like it

For givin' a kind of a roll

'E pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im

And swallered the little lad - 'ole!

Now Mother 'ad seen this occurrence

And not knowin' what to do next

She 'ollered "Yon lion's et Albert!"

An' Father said "Ee, I am vexed."

They complained to an animal keeper

Who said "My, wot a nasty mis'ap;

Are you sure it's your boy 'e's eaten?"

Pa said, "Am I sure? There's 'is cap!"

The manager 'ad to be sent for;

'E came and 'e said "Wot's to-do?"

Ma said "Yon lion's et Albert

And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!"

Father said "Right's right, young feller-

I think it's a shame and a sin

To 'ave our son et by a lion

And after we paid to come in."

The manager wanted no trouble;

He took out his purse right away

Sayin' "'Ow much to settle the matter?"

Pa said "Wot do you usually pay?"

But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward

When she saw where 'er Albert 'ad gone

She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!"

So that was decided upon

And off they all went to p'lice station

In front of a Magistrate chap;

They told what 'ad 'appened to Albert

And proved it by showing 'is cap

The Magistrate gave 'is opinion

That no one was really to blame

And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms

Would 'ave further sons to their name

At that Mother got proper blazin':

"And thank you, sir, kindly, " said she-

"Wot, spend all our lives raisin' children

To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

 

 

My mum, a good Yorkshire lass, has dementia but can still recite this, having learnt it when she were a wee lill'un.

On 11/12/2020 at 15:50, Athy said:

I'd say he'd given us the lion's share of it.

That would definitely earn a greenie ?

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