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Team “Barnier's Stern Gland” Virtual BCN Challenge 2020 Cruise Log


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You have woken up this morning to find there has been a heavy frost overnight. There is an icy wind coming from the north and the sky looks as though it is full of snow.

Well, I'm just glad we could break the ice.Hope it will warm up a bit for tomorrow.

ice.JPG

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Rustys Personal log (private).

 

<Encryption On>

 

"Relax, said the Duck man

We are programmed to receive

You can check out any time you like

But you can never leave!" 

 

These were the last words I heard as the weed hatch lid descended over my head. That was over a month ago. I had been Beagleknapped. 

 

I was finally let out yesterday. I was introduced to the crew, they seemed nice enough, though a couple of them had a look of fear barely contained beneath their welcoming smiles. 

 

I was given a handful of dog biscuits, a whirlwind tour of the boat, and then locked in the engine room with a smelly old blanket and the ships regulation socks to spend the night. 

 

There is something strange about this place, I can't quite put my paw on. I was awoken in the night by someone pacing the deck above my head. They were chanting something about Moby Duck, the hunt for ReduckToby, some noodles, and how they would get their revenge.

 

The door to the engine room was unlocked at 0718 to the sound of birdsong. I was given a huge task list and ordered to "get on with it" 

 

"The last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back to the place I was before"

 

<Encryption off>

Edited by rusty69
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13 minutes ago, rusty69 said:

Rustys Personal log (private) 

 

<Encryption On>

 

"'Relax, kusho indoda eyiDuck
Sihlelelwe ukwamukela
Ungahlola noma yisiphi isikhathi osithandayo
Kodwa awusoze wahamba! "
 
Lawa ibingamagama okugcina engiwazwile ngenkathi ukhula lwe-hatch lid luhla phezu kwekhanda lami. Lokho bekungaphezu kwenyanga edlule. Bengikade ngibe Beagleknapped.
 
Ekugcineni ngakhishwa namuhla. Ngeniswa kubasebenzi, babonakala bemuhle ngokwanele, yize umbhangqwana othile wawubukeka unokwesaba okungekho ngaphansi kokumamatheka kwawo okwamukelayo.
 
Nganikwa amabhisikidi ezinja ambalwa, ukubuka isikebhe ngesivunguvungu, ngabe sengikhiyelwa egumbini lenjini ngengubo yakudala enephunga elimnandi namasokisi omthetho wemikhumbi ukulala ubusuku.
 
Kunokuthile okumangazayo ngale ndawo, angikwazi ukubeka i-paw yami. Ngivuswe ebusuku ngomuntu othile efaka emphemeni ongaphezulu kwekhanda lami. Bebehlabelela okuthile ngeMoby Duck, ukuzingela iReduckToby, amanye ama-noodle, nokuthi bazoyiphindisela kanjani.
 
Umnyango wegumbi lenjini uvulwe ngo-0718 kuzwakala umsindo we-birdong. Nganikwa uhlu lwemisebenzi enkulu futhi ngayalwa ukuba ngiqhubeke nayo
 
"Into yokugcina engiyikhumbulayo, bengikhona
Ukulwela umnyango
Bekumele ngithole le ndima ngibuyele endaweni ebengikade ikhona ”
 
<Encryption off>

What's that you say Rusty?

 

Captain Smelly has been messin' bout wit time thingy controls?

 

And he's wot? He's been fiddlin' wit time control buttons?

 

Flaming eck, you say he's turned on 'Alexa'? Then he swore? Said something about 'Cod damn'?

 

And now he's fallen down the well? And now he's gone up in smoke and disappeared?

 

Dr Bob's not going to be 'appy! He'll be blamin' 11 12 dogs again!  Not good! No surree... this isn't good, not good at all, absolutely this is not good at all.

 

 

Edited by Jennifer McM
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36 minutes ago, Jennifer McM said:

What's that you say Rusty?

 

Captain Smelly has been messin' bout wit time thingy controls?

 

And he's wot? He's been fiddlin' wit time control buttons?

 

Flaming eck, you say he's turned on 'Alexa'? Then he swore? Said something about 'Cod damn'?

 

And now he's fallen down the well? And now he's gone up in smoke and disappeared?

 

Dr Bob's not going to be 'appy! He'll be blamin' 11 12 dogs again!  Not good!

 

 

Looks like Zulu to me! 

36 minutes ago, Jennifer McM said:

What's that you say Rusty?

 

Captain Smelly has been messin' bout wit time thingy controls?

 

And he's wot? He's been fiddlin' wit time control buttons?

 

Flaming eck, you say he's turned on 'Alexa'? Then he swore? Said something about 'Cod damn'?

 

And now he's fallen down the well? And now he's gone up in smoke and disappeared?

 

Dr Bob's not going to be 'appy! He'll be blamin' 11 12 dogs again!  Not good!

 

 

Looks like Zulu to me. 

 

Could be double Dutch. 

 

All fixed now, the

 

Bidirectional Online BabelFish 

Extra Terrestrial Translator (Boba Fett).

 

Is back online. I fear my encryption has failed though and my highly personal private log may be visible to all. 

Edited by rusty69
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Peter was hard at work doing his conversion, the old pump out was now a collector for the poo and he had added heating pipes into the tank to help, the methane was piped into old 47kg propane bottles that he had collected from the canal in modern times, the compressors had come from a couple of fridges he found in the cut around Brum. He looked at his work and thought it looked good, really good in fact perfik! His next job was the jet drive he had installed the methane pipes and igniter through the weed box fitted a fail safe so it could only deliver gas and ignite at full forward throttle, all the high pressure gas pipes were tied down with cable ties and when he ran out of those he used to off cuts of wool, Yes he thought this will be brilliant, really brilliant in fact the most brilliant drive ever..............what could possibly go wrong?

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…....message starts 1101Z

May 5th, 2020

 

!!Stop Press!

Tamworth Herald

 

Covid 19 link

Reports are coming in from an insider in the Tamworth Institute of Tropical Science that the 1918 'Flu Pandemic that swept the continent at the end of the First World War might have had strains of the virus very similar to the current Sars 2- covid 19 strain that has killed 3 people in Tamworth over the last few days. The 1918 pandemic was originally thought to have been a totally different strain of the Coronavirus with Sars 2- Covid 19 originating late last year in China. Only yesterday did evidence appear that there may be very close links between the two. It is not clear why this evidence had not been seen earlier.

No one at the TITS institute was available to comment. Our reporter was able to gather local comments and spoke to Mrs Elsie Dee, who said “thars soft Jessie bit of er coff this covid thing. 1918? 1918 yer lump I was babby ”

Further updates will be provided.

 

In other news, the Superboat Clarrie is no longer on the canal near Tamworth and has not been seen since Sunday afternoon.


 

….....message timed at 1040Z

….....message ends.

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Dr Bob wanted to try the jet drive Tim the Capt had his doubts Peter was all for it, the crew and Dogs had gone into hiding especially Taff and Hugo who had seen some real disasters!

Peter ran up the lynch motor and pressed the button their was a large belch from the stern and the bote surged forwards unlike anything the crew had felt before. 

Peter checked over the bote and noticed that the stern gland was now a stream rather a drip, he decided he needed to fix it............after he had a cup of tea

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2 hours ago, mrsmelly said:

The Kettlebrook Courier and Pigeon Fanciers Review.

 

Latest Breaking News From our own Correspondent.

 

                                                       Devine Inrod@KCPFR.

 

So hello again everyone. My report yesterday was only my second assignment for the paper and  I am  so totally lit to be back on the trail of the story about this barge. 

Thirsty hey.

So Yesterday when the editor, told me to follow up on the phone call I was dead pleased with the job. Investigate he said, and get out into the world and dig up the info. Stoked I was. He  so said we need expendables like you at a time like this, to fearlessly go out. So that means they are going to pay my expenses sorted!!  Coin coming.

So who would have thought it a 6 month online course at the University of South Tamworth and here I am looking into proper happenings.

So got to keep it short there’s a bit of flu going around, and they are worried about their pigeons transmitting it by sitting on 5g towers.

So I get the gig for tomorrow Epic

Oh yeh the barge couldn’t find it.Yolo Dev

Edited by roland elsdon
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andromeda.jpeg.ab929f543c3236935a290e02d6ca2a53.jpeg

 

I have just been back to 1976 and am on my way back from Iceland. The ship used to be able to do 32 knots and had twin 15000 shp shafts but Peter came back with me and fitted the latest electronic motors and 4 100 a/h lithium batteries. We are just catching up with " Clarrie " and here is a piccie of us throwing a right just before farmers lock on the way back

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We are all starting to get a bit cheesed off today. We've not made it very far so I decided to have a couple of hours out with the camera shooting a few birds. We are parked very near the RSPB place at Middleton lakes. It's a good break from the crew and the dog's. The sun came out this afternoon so I grabbed the 500mm prime, the monopod and my Nikon 850. I wondered what would be about in 1918?

It was quite uneventful apart from one load bang coming from the direction of the boat and a herd of sheep escaping the chase of at team of SWAT agents and 5 6 dogs led by Rusty, our First security officer.

Back to the shooting, I managed a Grey Phalarope - quiet rare in these regions in 2020 - and Robin with a bad hair day.

Maybe I'll be able to come out again tomorrow.

Grey Phalarope.png

Bad hair day.png

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9 minutes ago, Dr Bob said:

Nah, Rusty did our quiz entry hours ago. He's struggling where to post the answers too though.

 

7 minutes ago, TheBiscuits said:

 

If he just PM's them to me I'll ... er ... take it from there ...

 

 

 

I've done it. Did I do good?

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5 hours ago, mrsmelly said:

Are there any Mental health proffesionals available? I reckon my crew need Elp big time :D

Im only registered in Australia and as Im here I have no current professional indemnity.

However I worryingly  have to inform you that suspecting others to be unstable, ,  does not make you sane. Far from it.

In laybirds terms you could be quite quackers.  Especially cooped up with this lot.

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7 minutes ago, roland elsdon said:

Im only registered in Australia and as Im here I have no current professional indemnity.

However I worryingly  have to inform you that suspecting others to be unstable, ,  does not make you sane. Far from it.

In laybirds terms you could be quite quackers.  Especially cooped up with this lot.

Who!! Me?

 

shiningtwo.jpeg

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3 hours ago, Dr Bob said:

We've not made it very far so I decided to have a couple of hours out with the shotgun shooting a few birds.

Well, you could have at least shot a swan, though the queen might have objected, as I believe they are protected.?

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Confidential

team “Barnier's Stern Gland”

Captains Log:

Tuesday, May 5th, 1918

Mission Statement : Our 6 day mission is to travel the length and breadth of the BCN amassing the most points every gathered by a single boat and to go through some locks. We have the greatest bote in the world and we will be victorious.

5 Tests:

To recap

To achieve our mission, we have established 5 tests to ensure we keep on track. We have an average points per hour count to collect and we have to keep our crew safe and well. The plans are in place to generate the points but the weather has turned colder and most of the crew are in their summer uniforms. Mrs Bob is therefore having to knit socks for all the crew to provide them with the appropriate protection. We are very confident Mrs Bob will have created the socks by Friday 8th May. Our 5 tests are therefore as follows:-

Test 1. This is the POOP score. Persistent Objective Operative Points, or the average navigation points needed per hour to win the challenge. Here we estimate we need an average of at least 9.31 POOP/hr. This will be monitored hourly each day. Hail, rain, or tempests, no matter what's the weather each team member is required 'give their all'

Test 2. Provision of the correct PPE is essential. We need to provide socks for the crew at the rate of 3 pairs per day. 10,000 stitches per sock are needed so that is an average of around 10,000 stitches per hour. The Gov We are throwing all we have to ensure our PPE requirement will be met, whether it be essential dye from avocados, or having the correct wool such as lamb or alpacas. By the end of this challenge all crew members will have warm cosy toes. This metric will be keenly watched.

Test 3. Keeping the crew fully motivated is key in our objectives so we need to ensure our Crew Reliability and Performance measure is recorded (CRAP) and is maintained above 91.4%. This metric will be monitored daily. Plenty of provisions will be provided, whether it be flour for breadmaking purposes, or eggs for breakfast. Liquid provisions will also be provided on a desperate need only basis. Stocks of Vitamin D will be held at the appropriate level.

Test 4. There is no test 4.

Test 5. By adhering to the tests above we can ensure that we get near the previous record in the Challenge - to within 11.7%. Remember, there are no 'Ifs' or 'Buts' within team Barnier's Stern Glands. This test again will be monitored daily.

Captain's Sophomania:

My decision to insist on the socks was really justified, it really really was with this very cold weather we had today, it really really was very cold, very cold you know, but we are on top of this and heading back to greatness.

Overview:

Clarrie is still moored 20 yards south of Fisher's Mill bridge on the Birmingham & Fazeley Canal north west of Birmingham at space and time coordinates 102981.4590.04051819

Problems still exist with getting sufficient charge into the batteries and propulsion has not been possible today so missing our POOP target. The sun however came out late afternoon and we expect to be on our way tomorrow.

A minor glitch in charging the batteries has set us back a small amount, it is really just a very small amount, really small you know and we are on course to once again being the greatest boat on the network and ahead of our goal to do well in the virtual challenge. We expect to make up our lost time by Friday lunch time and even now the models are showing if we accelerate our efforts we can increase our total navigation score by a minimum of 92.79%

Navigation Status:

There is really very little to report today here. Movement has been minimal. The most movement was observed when Roland dropped his bacon butty and the 11 12 dogs ran to the starboard side of the boat causing a rapid list and Dr Bob spilling his coffee all over the Duck.

The rain has been relentless during the morning thus preventing any meaningful charge to the battery bank. After lunch however, Captain Smelly and Laurie Booth took the decision to walk a mile southwards to inspect the first lock that we will encounter (to find out what they are)once we start to move. By 1400z, the clouds had cleared and the sun was streaming in. Peterbote however advised against moving until we had at least 20% SoC into the lithiums. The decision was therefore made in the Captain's absence to stay put for the day and maximise our efforts in the morning.

Communications to the shore base technical support team managed by the biscuits remain down. This is really puzzling as we know the radio is working..ie communicating with the Captain down at the lock. I think the Captain and Laurie are someway to work out how to open the bottom gates. Perhaps it is the shore based radio that is at fault? We need to radio them to tell them.

The Captain and Laurie returned to the bote at 1809Z just as the rain started again.

Bote Status:

The battery charging situation is becoming more of an issue. The continuous rain has now stopped us for 12 hours. This afternoon's sun has been a godsend. We do however need another solution. Peterbote working in combination with Roland are investigating the option of peddle power electrickerty generation by bolting some cycles to the roof and linking these up to small dynamos. We now seem to have a fair bit of space on the roof as unbeknownst to the crew, during the night, some ne'r do wells have nicked 2 of the solar panels. First Security Office Rusty has been given a second formal warning for dereliction of duty. The Duck makes more noise that Rusty.

As we didn't have any cycles to mount on the roof, the SWAT team were concealed on the towpath for most of the afternoon, ordered to pounce on any unprepared towpath cyclists. By 1800Z we have 4 bikes available. The invisibility countermeasures are working well as the cyclists cant see the bote, it is very well hidden, it really is you know.

Peterbote continues to research toilet generated rocket power with limited success.

An admin issue has surfaced. Jennifer noticed when doing some light bedtime reading last night that the bote safety certificate expired yesterday. This is exceeding important as it will mean our insurance is void. As the replacement cost of Clarrie is nearing £9.13M, there is a large financial loss if not sorted. We need to look out for a BSS inspector but cant seem to get the internet working to find one. Perhaps the same comms issue as reaching the shore based support team. We are questioning whether our insurance is valid anyway as they will say we are not insured if we tell them the accident happened in 1918. This is likely to be the basis of a legal challenge to the committee.

AAW (Anti Auntie Waitrose) installation working well. No reported events of anyone buying anything from AW.

Alan and Roland have continued to run modelling scenarios to judge the effects of the loss of time throughout the day. Alan's health issues have continued to deteriorate and he is only conscious for 30% of the time now. Dr Sue has tried to lay him off formal duties but the Captain says he only has a cold. Most of the model runs have been a load of cobblers today until Roland took over. We have now recovered to optimum performance.

Peterbote has been monitoring an issue around the Clarrie's stern gland but it is not thought to be important. The slight weep continues which is more just an embarrassment rather than a problem. Barnier's stern gland leaking is a bit of a publicity nightmare. It looks bad, really really bad you know.

Crew Status:

Mrs Bob continues to knit. As she finished here 3rd sock of the day, it became apparent that we were starting to run low on our stores of wool. Efforts are in hand to rectify the problem

Our CRAP index stands at 73.1%. Whilst this is a slight drop on yesterday's number it can be explained due to the delay in receiving the daily questionnaire sent to all crew and the Duck has started eating his to make the point no one is listening to his complaining.

Positive Indicators:

Our POOP index suffered again today and is currently standing at 0.00000001 but it is positive which is important and can be ramped up quickly tomorrow.

Stitch count average has reduced slightly to 7,512 which is down by 829 on yesterday's figure.

CRAP as stated above is standing at 76.1%, a tad down on yesterday but still well above our lower limitation.

We have not met Test 4.

For Test 5, we are on target to get within the 11.7% under target to finish.

 

AAW working fine.

Tomorrow we will certainly be able to move as the lithiums are now up to 45% SoC so finally we will be able to improve our POOP tomorrow.

 

Negative Indicators:

Still nothing significant. A minor issue with charging the batteries is the really the only issue but it is not seen as too important now that we have the cycle charging in place.

 

Actions arising:

  • No bacon butties to be dropped indoors on the bote.

  • Find a BS inspector by Wednesday 1900Z

Next log due:

2100Z Wednesday 6th May, 1918

 

.log ends.

Edited by Dr Bob
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