Post your COVID 19 memes

[Phoenix_V]

[Phoenix_V]

Not a meme but a selection of Christmas cracker jokes this year

1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!

3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it’s behind you.

7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.

[nbfiresprite]

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.

12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.

13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve.

14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat.

15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs.

16. Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat a Sprout To Help Out.

17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute.

18. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook.

19. Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas? Marcus Rashford.

20. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery.

[alias]

 

[Athy]

The above lists were, I think, in one of this morning's newspapers, and were entries for a competition. What is surprising is that the one in first place was adjudged to be the best of them, and its author won a substantial cash prize. I prefer nos. 3 and 19.

[tree monkey]

On 04/12/2020 at 20:17, Phoenix_V said:

Well to be fair quite a few of the peeps who run ice cream van's are used to handling drugs, or was that just where I was brought up?

[doratheexplorer]

12 minutes ago, tree monkey said:

Well to be fair quite a few of the peeps who run ice cream van's are used to handling drugs, or was that just where I was brought up?

Nope, standard practice.  For many, selling the occasional ice cream is just a sideline.  I used to live a few doors along from an HMO which had some 'interesting' occupants.  Twice a week, the ice cream van would pull up outside and play it's chimes, and they'd all trot out.  Even in thick snow in the depths of winter.

[Athy]

For those who, like me, stared blankly at the expression "HMO", it's apparently short for "House in Multiple Occupation", i.e. a rooming house. typically comprising several bed-sitting rooms.

 

I'm sure you're joking about Mr. Softee being Mr. Softdrug on the side though - not something I have ever come across.

[Mike Todd]

48 minutes ago, doratheexplorer said:

Nope, standard practice.  For many, selling the occasional ice cream is just a sideline.  I used to live a few doors along from an HMO which had some 'interesting' occupants.  Twice a week, the ice cream van would pull up outside and play it's chimes, and they'd all trot out.  Even in thick snow in the depths of winter.

Back in the 1970's I was a local councillor on the north east coast. Each year we sought tenders for popular coastal sites for ice cream sellers. We were often surprised by the amounts offered - perhaps we were just being naïve, even back then!

[Alan de Enfield]

15 minutes ago, Athy said:

For those who, like me, stared blankly at the expression "HMO", it's apparently short for "House in Multiple Occupation", i.e. a rooming house. typically comprising several bed-sitting rooms.

 

I'm sure you're joking about Mr. Softee being Mr. Softdrug on the side though - not something I have ever come across.

C'mon you must be more aware of things than you make out to be.

 

Remember the Ice-Cream Wars in Glasgow in the early 80's.

 

I thought Moss-Side (Manchester was bad for stabbings and shootings) but I was working in Scotland and spending some time in Glasgow and it was not nice and rather frightening.

 

Ice cream vans were 'shot-up' a great deal of violence towards the drivers (from broken limbs to knee-cappings) when at the height :

 

In the 1980s in Glasgow, Scotland, several ice-cream vendors also sold drugs and stolen goods along their routes, using the ice cream sales as fronts. A turf war erupted between these vendors related to competition over the lucrative illegal activity, including intimidation of rival ice-cream van operators. During the conflict, rival vendors raided each others' vans and fired shotguns into the windscreens of the vehicles.

 

The culmination of the violence came on 16 April 1984 with the murder by arson of six members of the Doyle family, in the Ruchazie housing estate. Eighteen-year-old Andrew Doyle, nicknamed "Fat Boy", a driver for the Marchetti firm, had resisted being intimidated into distributing drugs on his run, and attempts to take over his run – resistance that had already led to him being shot by an unidentified assailant through the windscreen of his van.

A further so-called frightener was planned against him. At 02:00, the door on the landing outside the top-floor flat in Ruchazie where he lived with his family was doused with petrol and set alight. The members of the Doyle family, and three additional guests who were staying in the flat that night, were asleep at the time. The resulting blaze killed five people, with a sixth dying later in hospital: James Doyle, aged 53; his daughter Christina Halleron, aged 25; her 18-month-old son Mark; and three of Mr Doyle's sons, James, Andrew (the target of the intimidation), and Tony, aged 23, 18, and 14 respectively.[3]

[Jerra]

19 minutes ago, Mike Todd said:

Back in the 1970's I was a local councillor on the north east coast. Each year we sought tenders for popular coastal sites for ice cream sellers. We were often surprised by the amounts offered - perhaps we were just being naïve, even back then!

Maybe maybe not.   I have known of agricultural shows were burgher vans were paying £800 per day for their pitch.

[Athy]

13 minutes ago, Alan de Enfield said:

C'mon you must be more aware of things than you make out to be.

 

Remember the Ice-Cream Wars in Glasgow in the early 80's.

 

 

 

 

No, I have no reason to lie.

No, I don't, though I may have read about them at the time.

I do remember, during my time living in London's West End (late '70s/ early '80s) that there were confrontations between the operators of push-trolley hamburger and hot dog stands, based on arguments about whose pitch was which. I don't think these skirmishes progressed as far as shooting, but there were probably some fist fights. I never heard that they were selling anything more dangerous than salmonellae.

[Sea Dog]

17 minutes ago, Jerra said:

Maybe maybe not.   I have known of agricultural shows were burgher vans were paying £800 per day for their pitch.

I would think that pretty cheap for a commercial vehicle full of city dwellers...

 

[Alan de Enfield]

1 minute ago, Sea Dog said:

I would think that pretty cheap for a commercial vehicle full of city dwellers...

 

 

Ahhhh the good old burghers of London Town.

[Jerra]

3 hours ago, Sea Dog said:

I would think that pretty cheap for a commercial vehicle full of city dwellers...

 

LOL

[ditchcrawler]

  

[MHS]

[Hudds Lad]

[ditchcrawler]

  

[Mike Tee]

^^^^ How blindingly true!!!

[Jerra]

Perhaps it should have been posted in a thread started by JS.

[robbio c]

[Chris Lowe]

[nbfiresprite]

 

 

[ditchcrawler]