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#1161 Nightwatch

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Posted 06 March 2012 - 09:40 AM

Mate (to me). "Last week my wife bought me a couple of original windlasses, she's an angel."

Me (to mate). "You lucky sod, mines still alive."



Martyn
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Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

#1162 Grace & Favour

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Posted 06 March 2012 - 12:48 PM

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young produce
assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man
persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager
about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.



Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here.

Where are you from, son?'

'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up
there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'


I like collecting recipes

I now have a greater number of recipes than the likely number of days remaining to me!

 

 

Don't waste time thinking about what's wrong with yourself. Instead, focus on what's wrong with other people.


#1163 muddywaters

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Posted 11 March 2012 - 10:42 PM

What do you call a computer that can sing ?

A Dell
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Heaven doesn't want me.

And hell is scared I will take over


#1164 Pretty Funked Up

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Posted 12 March 2012 - 12:42 PM

:rolleyes:
Its the little things that seperate us.
In America they say sidewalk and in Britain we say pavement.
In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.
In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for an*l.
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"If you cant fix it with duck tape®... You havent used enough."

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My flat-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying.

NEVER TRUST ATOMS - THEY MAKE UP EVERYTHING!


#1165 Grace & Favour

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 04:40 PM

The Dentist

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way, no needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow", I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold onto
When I pull your tooth."



I like collecting recipes

I now have a greater number of recipes than the likely number of days remaining to me!

 

 

Don't waste time thinking about what's wrong with yourself. Instead, focus on what's wrong with other people.


#1166 davidc

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 07:34 PM

Abe climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Abe asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Abe asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
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Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the PRIVACY of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.


― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

 
"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other". -- Ronald Reagan


#1167 Nightwatch

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 11:05 PM

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back...



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Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

#1168 Hairy-Neil

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Posted 15 March 2012 - 11:26 PM

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'





He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.





The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.





"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.





"Yes," the Labrador replies.





After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."





The Labrador looks up and says,



"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping”.



"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.





I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.





I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.





I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."





The man is amazed.





He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.





"Ten quid," the owner says.





"£10 ! ! ? … But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"





"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."
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Sleep is overrated...I can do it with my eyes closed...

#1169 Grace & Favour

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Posted 16 March 2012 - 10:25 PM



A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 12 miles West of Winnipeg.



When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.



The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.



The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.



The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.



The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.



While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door & got in.



The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.



The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no flamin` way I can pass that test."


I like collecting recipes

I now have a greater number of recipes than the likely number of days remaining to me!

 

 

Don't waste time thinking about what's wrong with yourself. Instead, focus on what's wrong with other people.


#1170 Grace & Favour

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 02:11 PM

On-line sales scam!
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

I Spent 50 quid on a penis enlarger.


Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said, "SAFETY PRECAUTIONS - - - Do not use in full sunlight
"

I like collecting recipes

I now have a greater number of recipes than the likely number of days remaining to me!

 

 

Don't waste time thinking about what's wrong with yourself. Instead, focus on what's wrong with other people.


#1171 Mac of Cygnet

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 06:52 PM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

No matter what your job, you can always try to make it more interesting.

Posted Image
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#1172 Theo

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 10:30 PM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

No matter what your job, you can always try to make it more interesting.

Posted Image


That's a goodun!
NB TheodoraColecraft 1983. Since saying that I have discovered that she is a Brum Tug with Colecraft bow

#1173 matty40s

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Posted 23 March 2012 - 12:21 PM

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet .
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well.....'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing...)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.' 20

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah... You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' 20

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions
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#1174 Sir Nibble

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Posted 23 March 2012 - 01:15 PM

I hate it that that's not actually true. I want to live in a universe where that really happened. :D
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www.hell.co.uw

#1175 Pretty Funked Up

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Posted 24 March 2012 - 04:27 PM

I almost had my wife's eye out this morning...
I think the cold spoon woke her up.
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"If you cant fix it with duck tape®... You havent used enough."

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My flat-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying.

NEVER TRUST ATOMS - THEY MAKE UP EVERYTHING!


#1176 davidc

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Posted 27 March 2012 - 03:56 PM

Here's some of Will Rodger's wisdom:
>
> "Never squat while wearing your spurs"
>
> Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of
> the greatest political sages this country has ever known.
>
>
> Enjoy some of his famous observations:
>
> 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
>
> 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
>
>
> 3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
> Neither works.
>
> 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>
> 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
>
> 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
>
> 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
> and put it back into your pocket.
>
> 8. There are three kinds of men:
> The ones that learn by reading.
> The few who learn by observation.
> The rest of them have touch an electric fence
> and find out for themselves.
>
> 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad > judgment.
>
> 10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and > then
> to make sure it's still there.
>
> 11. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it > back.
>
> 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started > roaring.
> He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
> The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
>
> ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
>
> First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
> about your age and start bragging about it.
>
> Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line > for.
>
> Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
> Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
> I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
>
> Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
> think of Algebra.
>
> Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or > leaks.
>
> Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
>
> Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
> is that it's such a nice change from being young.
>
> Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
>
> Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
>
> Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
> it was called witchcraft.
> Today it's called golf.
>
> And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
> you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
>
>>"Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never >>begin.
>
> :cheers:
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Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the PRIVACY of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.


― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

 
"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other". -- Ronald Reagan


#1177 Mike the Boilerman

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Posted 27 March 2012 - 07:19 PM

I heard that Wayne Rooney has been to visit Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

He's doing well and can almost put together a whole sentence, said Fabrice.

:D
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The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Bertrand Russell
 

 

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#1178 hamsterfan

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Posted 27 March 2012 - 07:36 PM

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
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#1179 Iceman

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Posted 27 March 2012 - 07:41 PM

My wifes leaving me because I'm so arrogant.


I told her to close the door on her way back in.
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" Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government ! "


#1180 Pretty Funked Up

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Posted 31 March 2012 - 12:21 AM

Thought this might be of some use ;) ............

Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads

40ish ..................... 49
Adventurous ............... Slept with all your mates
Athletic .................. No Tits
Average looking ........... Has a face like an arse
Beautiful ................. Pathological liar
Contagious smile .......... Does a lot of pills
Educated .................. Fucked to death at college
Emotionally secure ........ On medication
Feminist .................. Fat
Friendship first .......... Former slut/born again virgin
Fun ....................... Annoying
Gentle .................... Dull
Good listener ............. Autistic
New Age ................... Body hair problems
Old fashioned ............. No blow jobs or anal
Open minded ............... Desperate
Outgoing .................. Loud and embarrassing
Passionate ................ Sloppy drunk
Poet ...................... Depressive
Professional .............. Bitch
Romantic .................. Frigid
Social .................... Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous ................ Very fat
Large lady ................ Hugely Fat
Wants soul-mate............ Stalker
Widow ..................... Murderer
  • 0

"If you cant fix it with duck tape®... You havent used enough."

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My flat-mate's too selfish to notice, he's always crying.

NEVER TRUST ATOMS - THEY MAKE UP EVERYTHING!





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